Yesterday I rambled about my 7-year cycles and while I was typing away in the convent, my best friend Gab launched a new cycle of her own, she gave birth to her first child.
Gab and I are seven years apart in age; to say that we have a sister-like in relationship is an understatement. Not only have our lives shadowed each other in different ways but our sense of humor and timing dance to the same beat.
Just before leaving Malibu I tossed with the idea of renting a small house there just so I knew I could return. After hearing that voice deep inside of me that said, “girl you gotta jump and let go of what you know”, I agreed to not rent the house and leap off to Mexico. Gab supported this, telling me to fly and be brave. I looked into her eyes, knowing that if I jumped I didn’t know where I’d land but I probably wouldn’t return to our sweet mountain top overlooking the “BU”. In fact, at one point I was panicky, almost begging her to not let me go, it wasn’t the place but the people that I loved.
Gab says that the two of us always find our way back to one another… I guess that’s what happens to twins tied by soul cords.
So as I’ve become a new version of me, my dearest friend has been on a subway ride of her own, and her new stop is motherhood.
I just got the pictures of her birth experience and my eyes shook with emotion, I felt like I was watching my friend walk across the platform and board her connecting train.
I miss being there so much right now but I keep hearing her voice, “We will find a way back to each other….”
This soul cord that connects me to the people I love is fierce and I wouldn’t cut it off for anything. Richard, my friend from high school, said, “We are never really older than 7 years since our cells are die in 7 year cycles.”
I like this, a girl is born and a Lady Girl continues to grow.
Welcome to this wonderful world of dreams, Shorty!
Monthly Archive Of May 2009
May 27, 2009
Yesterday I rambled about my 7-year cycles and while I was typing away in the convent, my best friend Gab launched a new cycle of her own, she gave birth to her first child.
May 26, 2009
Whenever I look out the window, it’s hard to see where I am. You know, like when you’re on a subway and and the reality of how fast the train is moving is unclear until you try to see what’s written on the tunnel walls?
Then, dang, the realization of the speed at which you are travelling grabs your mind and you reach for the pole.
Every time I look up from my little bubble, I get dizzy with how quickly time is passing.
Virgina Harper (my food counselor) says that life is made up of seven-year cycles, the human body changes and cells die every 7 years. For me, this makes sense. Isabella will turn 7 years old this August, making me a 7 year old mother. Ginny also says that every 7 years we become more of ourselves and less of our mother… hmmmm.
So as Isabella becomes more of her and I become more of me, a door is opening, one that I feel I’m just about to walk through. Seven years ago I birthed my first child and this summer I will birth a creative project that has been growing inside of me for at least 7 years!
Maybe all of these issues with health and wellness and my mother’s issues are taking a turn too?
Fourteen years ago I was “Hi I Can Save Him” and in relationship with “Hi I’m Fine With Out You.” We resided high in a tower overlooking Los Angeles; I toted a tiny little white dog named Oliver and spent most of my days avoiding life. Truth be told, that tiny little dog was probably the first being that I openly connected too, opening a door for me to “grow through”.
Oliver would have been 14 this August, maybe his passing over is still attached to mine? Looking back at 2 seven year cycles is really cool.
Stop and count back as many cycles as you can….
Memorial Day morning was spent with Happy Son Of My People, a perfect place for remembering! We talked about “Yom Ha Shoah,” the day of remembrance in Israel.
On this day, everything stops at 10am – literally EVERYTHING – cars, TVs, radios, WORK!
The first time I was in Israel, I had NO idea what was going on. I was with a friend in the Northern City of Haifa (the San Francisco of Israel) when loud sirens went off and I immediately panicked thinking, Oh, no it’s a bomb! Then I looked out at the busy road and was shocked to see all of the cars STOP and people get out and stand right there in the middle of the road in honor of the dead. This holiday was primarily to honor those that passed in the Holocaust, but also includes all who have passed.
Once my friend whispered in my ear what was happening, my mind clicked with my heart and the wave of emotion was HUGE! I mean, when an ENTIRE country comes to a stand-still in honor of the dead, WOW!
After Gil and I discussed the power of this collective memory, I climbed on the table and let my mind run through its vast books of information…remembering all the parts of me that have died.
Starting with my infancy, elementary mee, teen mee, 20′s mee, and now making my way through my 30′s. What stood out is how long I have been a girl!
Some women are WOMEN at 19, but I, for sure, was not. In fact, when I was 12 I thought that fo’sho’ I’d be rocking a woman’s body! Ha,ha.. Some women are WOMEN by their late 20′s but I, for sure, was not. Some women are WOMEN hands down in their 30′s and I, for sure, have not been one of them. I used to think it was because of my tiny build and small face, thinking once I had kids I would be a total woman. Nope, however I did become a mother, not a girl mother but a true MOTHER.
Then I thought by my mid 30′s I would be A grown up Lady! Nope, still a girl. But something has changed; I can honestly see that I am “A LADY GIRL!”
I’ve been comparing myself to this old idea of being a woman – you know, round, full, reserved, sitting still, pant suits and a terrible haircut and remembering High School as the “good old days”.
High School was rough!
Whew, the pressure is off, the maturation of me is its own. I don’t have to give up my grooviness, turn down my hip-hop, or drop my lingo lovin’ talk.
For women nowadays, our aging is different. After all, we have been influenced by different women than our mothers. Madonna has been in our face staying sassy and making it happen into her fifties. Deaths of ourselves are not endings but beginnings! No wonder I feel fresher, sharper, cooler and more together than I did in my twenties! These beginnings just keep getting better!
Just maybe I AM standing on life’s subway being moved into my next incarnation, unable to see what it looks like but loving the movement?
May 19, 2009
The tooth rat came!
I’m assuming he took the tooth with him ’cause I haven’t been able to find it and I’m hoping that Bella doesn’t find it before me!
Speaking of Bella, she’s been having terrible tummy aches for the past year, maybe longer. When we were in the jungle I chalked it up to stress or water issues. Now that I’m digging through my own set of “guts” paying attention to what stirs hers is in my face…
Of course, lurking in my mind is… “Could she have this too?”
Saturday, I jumped up in my ride and rode over too Virginia Harper’s house (she is also my food counselor) for a cooking class. This was desperately needed because I’m getting a bit bored with the rice, bean and veggie combo that has become my staple.
I hadn’t been back for a cooking class since January, all my learning has come from books and websites. There were a few people who had been at that first class and they were shocked to see me, because they couldn’t believe that it was me! I guess I looked very ill in January and now I’m glowing (so they said). Ginny went on to say that she never judges what will happen with someone when they show up, it’s all about inner strength and lining it up in one’s mind and heart, “claiming” it, as she says.
As we went around the room introducing ourselves, one of the women told the tale of her son who was diagnosed with Crohnes Disease in the the 7th grade. By 9th grade he wasn’t getting better and suffering terrible side effects from the medicines. Their family has been eating whole foods ever since and he will graduate from high school next week with a clean colonoscopy! That’s right folks, his colon is FREE of all signs, symptoms, ulcerations and inflamation! The DOCTORS have given him a clean bill of health!!!
I thought of Bella…
My turn came around and I shared my journey so far, ending with my fear of passing this on to my girls.
The last woman to tell her tale gathered herself before speaking and then, with a deep breath out, she began her story of why she was there: her 9 year old daughter has been sick with Crohnes for the past few years. They have tried EVERYTHING, the little girl is now in Vanderbilt hospital with a colon that looks like chopped beef, it’s so torn up and bleeding that the doctors want to remove the entire colon – at only 9 YEARS OLD!” Of course the docs aren’t bad, they are trying their best to help her but medicine will NOT. Look at food as a reason or at least an alternative.
Once again, the only thing touching the inside of the intestines is food, why wouldn’t it affect it?
As the woman told her tale, my eyes filled with tears, not for me but for Bella and all of the people that suffer, especially the kids. Did you all know that LITTLE kids are the fastest growing population of digestive diseases?
Wonder why? What are they eating? Cookies, hot dogs, white flour products, tons of dairy, fast food… how many kids do you know that eat WHOLE grains and beans with a side of veggies for lunch? How many public schools serve this alongside of organic meat or fish for lunch?
Just as the little girl’s momma was about to finish, she turned and said to me, “So the next time your husband or someone else hands one of your little girls an ice cream cone or a bag of chips think of my daughter. If your mom had this and you have this, you should be “PREVENTING” this as a gift to them.”
I lost it.
It was as if a knife shot through my heart into my back.
I returned to my house and immediately sat at my past life statue’s feet, praying for this little girl, praying for her mother, praying for my little girls and praying for myself… for the strength to make this happen for my family, not just me.
Later that night my tummy burned with emotion but I knew what to do to take care of myself. I drank my Umeboshi Plum, Twig Tea and Kuzu root with Shoyu sauce brew, soaked in a warm tub scrubbing my skin to circulate the blood, and relaxed on my bed. Within a few hours the pain in my abdomen passed and I claimed my position once again.
This way of living works, I just need to stay calm and patient.
Yesterday I returned to Happy Son Of My People for some acupuncture. I told him of my pain but that I wasn’t worried because I know this is all part of my healing. He said that when my heart is whacked with such a fearful blow, my tummy takes the brunt of it, locking up and constricting, and holding on tight, bracing for another mental punch.
This time I didn’t do it, this time I let it roll and opted to take care of myself by “CALMING” my mind and body.
Happy Son Of My People loaded me with a GANG of needles, I was KNOCKED out. I have no idea how long I drifted between realities, but everytime I tried to open my eyes I felt a part of my body drop deeper into peaceful darkness.
No visions, no thoughts, just rest.
I took Bella to the doctor, they ran SED rate tests on her and another blood test looking for signs of Crohnes… I’m waiting for the information to come back.
The little girl in the hospital is having a hard time now – her body has developed “steroidal diabetes.” I spoke to her mom yesterday, all she has to do is get this girl stable and then she will make her well… I will pray again today.
May 14, 2009
The weather has warmed up over the past few days and now tiny flying little bugs come out at night! Our house is swarmed!
Its a good thing the ants in the jungle wore me out ’cause now as I’m typing this there are at least 10 of them crawling around on the screen.
Oh well, surrender at it’s best!
Don’t worry, we have ants too but I’m able to look past them..
Bella lost another tooth, literally lost it!
She came home with it in a little envelope and now it’s gone!
Does the tooth fairy come anyways? Or should I say the “tooth rat” like in Mexico?
On an upside, the viral cold that flustered our house is making its way to the door. Lola came down with a nasty cold and a double ear infection that spread to Bella and, of course, MEE!
Just maybe those germy little f—— at the park that spit on her last week started this whole thing?
What do ya think?
May 11, 2009
Today we discussed the stomach, the great processor of our lives and food. For example, the stomach doesn’t actually digest anything; it doesn’t absorb what we eat but rather sorts and grinds it all in preparation for the Intestines, or as I like to call it our “life tunnel.” In the intesntinse, life is absorbed – “live” food (as opposed to fake food) that is processed well in the stomach is easily absorbed through the walls of the intestines and passed through the body. If we eat crap, there is nothing to be absorbed and we become ill nourished. The stomach also processes all the food we feed our mind and heart.
Last week I had tons of anxiety-ridden dreams; I was watching way too much news, the Housewives shows and teetering back and forth on what I believe to be true in every aspect of life!
Not to mention the fact that we’ve had more than 10 days straight of rain and storms roll through on a daily basis, which has left me sitting under a tremendous amount of “cloudy pressure.”
To top this Hot Mess of a stormy “Banana Split,” I’ve got a running list of what I need to get done in my work and, this list runs over and over in my mind like a toy train under the Christmas tree, with an annoying whistle that blows just as I start to relax!
What a combo for my stomach to digest! If my stomach is my mental food processor, I’ve been feeding it JUNK! Not just junk but all kinds of thoughts and worries from every possible direction.
Now I’ve got to slow down and take on one thought at a time, one bite at a time. Because if I don’t, by the time this stuff makes it to my intestines or “life tunnel” there will nothing healthy to pass into my heart and mind, moving my mental focus in a positive direction…..hmmmm…now I gotta chew my thoughts 50 times too?
The good news is that I’ve hired an assistant, or as Happy Son Of My People says, an “ENZYME!” I, MEE TRACY, hired her, not “HI I CAN SAVE YOU”.
This aspect of my personality has made some not so hot choices in the past. “HI I CAN SAVE THEM” has good intentions, she finds people that need a job or an opportunity, sees their potential and spends all day cheering them on in THEIR life!
Of course this NEVER works ’cause after a few weeks I tire of the CHEERLEADER role and end up more behind in my own work! Then, when I need them to step it up, they can’t because they never believed they could in the first place! ugh…
Yesterday, Senora Gina arranged a huge treat for me: MARIA and ANGELES on SKYPE! Lola, Bella and I were thrilled to see their faces! It’s been almost 2 months since we were there. I usually do OK here, I keep my head down and focus on my own private world – working, tending to the girls, my house, Lee – but if I look up and see that we are alone, I choke.
I spent years in LA building a family from the friends I collected and our time in Mexico was magical because these “familial relationships” immediately popped up!
Looking up at the screen and seeing them was too much.
All night I was stalked by this question, “How can I love these two women the way I do?” How can I crave a country that is not mine? How can I yearn for a world that is so far from me? I lived 17 years in Ohio yet I don’t miss it? Even with all the struggles of Mexico and the Jungle, how can I long in this way?
Since I was already looking up, I picked up the phone to have a heart to heart talk with Nanny. She, too, cradles my heart.
This morning I hopped up on that table, loaded with needles and understanding that I need to slow down with my crazy mental list, I quickly fell into a deeply relaxed place…..
I watched as my mind rambled the “Mental Monday Rush.” Then I saw a beautiful middle aged Spanish woman in an elegant, full length dress looking at me from the corner of a courtyard, typical of older homes in Mexico City or Guadalajara. Her eyes were warm and proud. To the left of me was the most handsome man, he was regal and his eyes, too, were warm and shining upon me, the eyes of a father. I looked down and recognized my hands as they have always been, long and thin resting together on my lap. I was amazed by the dress that I was wearing! It was a traditional formal Mexican/Spanish style dress of the late 1800′s to early 1900′s. The dress had cream lace laid over cream satin with a floor length skirt. I twirled around in the dress and caught my reflection in the mirror – I was young, 15 maybe. Then I caught a stronger glance of the woman in the corner, she was MARIA. As I spun towards her I called her name, “Mama”…. The young man next to me stepped closer, reaching his hand towards me saying, “Come my child.” As I looked up, I saw Senora Gina deep in his eyes, his face was beautiful like hers and showed the gentleness she holds for me. I felt a tear run down my cheek.
From the very first time I travelled to Mexico, I felt as if I were walking in two worlds, one current and one long ago. I always find myself looking for the Mexico of before.
I know someone else out there can relate to this, isn’t that why many people like historical places?
With the influx of emotion in my body I opened my eyes, looking around the acupuncture room as if I’d just woken from a dream. Seeing where I was, I quickly closed them wanting to return to that dream. I sat with the darkness and then found myself kneeling before a beautiful white statue of the “Blessed Mother” in a very simple church. The next flash was of giant houses along a beautiful street, houses unike any I’ve ever seen. My clothes too had changed, I was wearing a long skirt with an apron, my shoes were black boots and old. When I touched my hair it was coarse and tied up and somewhere I heard a voice look at your hands. They were my hands again, long and thin, but the color was that of cocoa. I could hear people speaking but it for sure wasn’t in Spanish or English – it was FRENCH!
I saw myself cleaning inside a house, scrubbing the floor on my knees. This time the language was English, but with an accent. I flashed again, back inside the church there was the statue of Mary and, again, I sat at her feet.
NEW ORLEANS? Funny, I’ve never been there – nor wanted to.
But the statue in my living room has!
Years ago, Lee and I passed a beautiful life size cast iron statue of the Blessed Mother in the window of a really cool gallery in Santa Monica. I yelled, “Stop!” He circled back around the block and we went into see her. She was AMAZING, I never before had any desire to own such an item, but at this moment I wanted this statue!!
Lee thought I was a bit nuts, plus she was REALLY expensive. The dealer told us of her travels, she was created in France in the late 1700′s where she stood in a church. Then, in the early 1800′s she moved to New Orleans and held her place in another church for many years. For some reason, she was sent to Argentina before finding her way to LA in 2004.
Now she stands in my formal living room where I still sit at her feet.
Just months before my mother passed I came home from college to spend the weekend with her. It was an amazing weekend; we finally shared secrets like friends (when we were young she didn’t believe she was our friend, instead A mother was what she thought her kids needed.) One of the tales she shared with me was of the Buddhist theory, “We come in with a circle of people we have been with before, this is our blood family.
We start here, working out what we need to accomplish first, building our platform of who we will become. Then we go into the world and find the rest of our circle. Depending on who you become and with how much peace and love you live your life, you have the opportinty for these past relationships to show themselves.”
Maybe she was right?
I wonder who else is out there that I have not connected with?
Maybe I should look up from my bubble?