DEAR Princess Know It All and Got Grace Peggy Raess,

I went out once with this guy and then he called again to see me and I freaked out because I didn’t expect that he would want to go out again (he is cute, successful and educated). Then, before we were supposed to go out, I sent him this horrible email saying he was a player and that if he wanted to just f—, he should leave me alone. It was a very mean email. He told me that I should take care of whatever is going on in my life now because it’s obviously affecting me. Ouch!!! I apologized but he wouldn’t accept my apology. Please tell me what is going on with me? Has “HI, AM I GOOD ENOUGH?” taken over? Help! Will he ever call again? Or was he just playing the game?

Sincerely,
Doing My Best To Be My Best

Dearest Doing My Best To Be My Best:

“HI AM I GOOD ENOUGH?” did not send the email but “HI I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH” did.
You listed all of the reason’s why you think he is better than you–educated, cute, successful. What we need to look at is why you believe you are not equal in these departments. Often when this characters shows up, it is helpful to look at your past male relationships. Have they left you screamin’ for love?

My own “HI I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH” reared her head in a similar way. I was in college and just beginning to date this guy. One night I’d gone out with friends, had way to much “boxed” wine and went off on him! The next day when I called him he said that all was cool but that he wasn’t interested in seeing me again. I was so bummed that I’d let my crazy out of the bag, however in the long run it was a great opportunity for me. This experience pushed me to look deeper at my issues and try to find a better way to deal with what was really behind my “HI I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH”. After all, if I don’t believe I’m good enough how can anyone else?

I stopped dating for a while and spent more time with myself and my friends. When the next guy came around I was the one who showed up in the room and not her! I learned to pay closer attention to what I was feeling inside when around a new guy or potential date. If all of a sudden I felt tense, nervous, insecure or frightened I’d sit with it, minding my mind and listening to what the men were actually saying and not the constant convo in my head. This was great, ’cause I could then compare my behavior to my past behavior with men in my life, like my father. For me, I longed for a relationship with my dad and he was unable to be present. So was I putting my past stuff on the guy who just walked through door, expecting a let down before it happened? hmmmm.. By looking at my past I was able to separate memory from actual reality! I had to learn to give space to the current situation, not drown it out with who and what went down in my life previously.

If Mr. Cute, Successful and Educated comes around again then be sure to be YOU, apologize and take your time. The fear of being taken advantage of is huge, but remember no one takes advantage of us without our own permission–this permission is given when we participate in the relationship.

Sincerely,
Princess Know it All and Got Grace Peggy Raess