This is an exciting issue, ’cause we are bringing PKIA to the Spanish reading world!
That’s right folks PKIA has found her Latin voice!!! Dang it’s cool, the one thing I’ve learned living in Mexico is that Latin women don’t mess around – they are just as determined as us gringa’s to find a smoother, easier and more graceful path of their own.  It only seems appropriate that this dream of mine occurs as I cross the platform boarding yet again another train taking me through a new life cycle.

Bella’s birthday and my mothering birthday couldn’t have been more perfect.  I’m not someone who likes to throw elaborate parties for my children, when I was kid our birthdays were always spent with close family and friends.  My mother would share details of her pregnancy and our births as the day approached, then on our day a dinner was cooked – no matter how little money there was, a full meal was prepared and a cake was baked.  Gifts were few and the ones we received were valued.  I’ve kept this tradition in our home, and this year was no different a few of Bella’s friends and their mothers (except for my Mr.Mom friend and his kids) filled our house.  All day Bella was buzzing with wonder, wanting to know what her gift would be.  On the way home from school I informed her that she would receive one gift from Lee and I.  Hmmm..she said why one?  “Well, If I give you anything else you won’t see the complete value of it all.” Funny thing is she got it!  As she peeled the paper of her refurbished Mac Laptop she squealed with glee, “Momma I love it and I totally get what you mean, one great gift is so much better than 20!”

My theory behind this is that it’s a set up to give your kids so much stuff that every year they’ll expect it, and they will equate their life and it’s value with consumption!  How will their lives as adults ever compare and be good enough if they have come accustomed to being covered in tons of things?  It is up to us to teach value, I explained that her computer is used and has been made over, that there is too much waste and this is the greatest kind of computer because it is thoughtful and considerate consumption.

What I’m discovering about this phase of parenting is that I am tired, 6pm comes hard and I am weary of correcting, explaining and participating – however this is when I hear my angels voice telling me to “kick it up a notch and get back on that bus and parent.”  It’s so EASY to drop out, these little people SEEM to be self sufficient – they don’t need that constant following around and super vision.  What they do need is my participation – meaning I gotta get on Bella’s team and stay there.  Right now Bella and I are working on her voice and speaking up with her peers, questioning her teachers and even questioning me!  It’s so very important that she feels a connection to what it is she needs to say and how she says it.  A few weeks ago we had a situation where she went along with one of her peers who is obviously going through a time of acting out.  Bella has sense but because she was afraid of speaking up she fell into this kids naughty behavior, then when the kid was mean to Lola in front of Bella, Bella once again fell silent.  For me this was a wake-up call!  I took action, I didn’t punish Bella for the naughty behavior but for the lack of using her voice.  I made this clear – little girls MUST vocalize – if not – life is tricky and victim-hood is created.

So when Bella’s birthday party came round I knew a small, supportive circle was in need.  One where she connected to everyone who attended, one where all the kids played together and NO ONE was left sitting alone.  Then before cake was served we all gathered around the feet of our Blessed Mother Statue, every single person mother and child approached the statue and lit a candle for Bella, making a wish for her next 7 years.  I wished for her to stand tall, clear and strong – asking for what she needs.

As Bella is speaking up and I’m guiding her in a new fashion, a new character has shown her face “HI I GOT ONE EYE ON YOU.”  That’s right folks I’ve been walking around here questioning everything and everyone.  For certain I left a window open somewhere deep inside of me and fear and doubt blew in, leaving me with a blurry view of my life!  The problem with “HI I GOT ONE EYE ON YOU” is that if she is allowed to hang around to0 long she invites all of her other mistrustful character friends (negative aspects of our personality) to take up what little space is left over, and our truly confident selves get pushed into the closet.

Yesterday I had my weekly acupuncture session with Gil Ben-Ami “Happy Son Of My People”.  He checked my pulse and said “Oh No this is not good!”

“What is it?”  “Well, kapara (Hebrew slang for endeared one) your adrenals are high and you are out of balance – you are tired yet hyper”.  “I am” I answered with thrill that he put words to it!  What’s happening with you this week? “Well, my character “HI I GOT ONE EYE ON YOU” has been keeping me up at night! Running everything over and over in my mind.

“Yep” he said, “she does have one eye on everyone and everything else – but the eye that is closed is because she is looking inside and questioning you, judging all of your decisions, choices, relationships, abilities and behaviors!”

Fo’Sho this made sense! Whenever we are looking outside of ourselves and pointing fingers at our outside world it’s ’cause our inner world is shakin’!

I climbed up on the table and he began to put the needles in, the first one was fine but DANG the 2nd and 3rd hurt like crazy! I said “WHATS UP WITH THE PAIN?”  “Your body is defending itself, looking for a fight, just like your “HI I GOT ONE EYE ON YOU.”  Hmmm…

The fourth needle didn’t hurt but tears poured down my cheeks, I said “Ooh whats that all about?”

“Surrender, you just dropped your wall of protection” he said.

I guess I have been fighting crossing this platform, when ever I walk through a change a bracing occurs and skepticism engulfs me.  With Bella becoming more of herself and less of me, Lola stepping onto her own platform – “HI I GOT ONE EYE ON YOU” creeps in with a set of keys to my car, but don’t worry folks I got this and I got her – she ain’t got me.

The best part of my birthday – birthing babies day – was that I spent the end of the evening with Mary Alice and Ana Maria.  Ana Maria is Bella’s voice coach (how appropriate) and Mary Alice is my dear friend, who walked me across my first platform of motherhood – she was in the room with me as I delivered Isabella!  We hadn’t seen each other for a few years, but one of the gifts of Nashville is that she lives 2 minutes from my house.

Just like 7 years ago when my knees were knocking and “HI I GOT ONE EYE ON YOU” was rearing her not so cute head, the morning I walked in the hospital to have Bella, it only makes sense that “HI I GOT MY EYE ON YOU” would show up once again.  Life is about cycles and with each one hopefully our reactions become less disruptive, for certain we go through the same things over and over again until we master them so well that we don’t even notice the situation.

Mary Alice has shown up in my life to hold my hand and lend me grace.  I love how full circle life can be if we can get out of the way and see it.

Today was giant, and like most giant moments they slide right up on ya’.

For seven years I’ve been a focused momma and a seriously (surprisingly to even me) good wife.  I’ve packed it up and traveled on a dimes notice, I’ve supported, cooked and cleaned for my family before ever tending to myself.  Today a change has begun.

Bella and Lola are both in school together (Lola is 3 but her pre-school is 5 days a week – 8am till 3pm).  It’s a tricky thing…part of me is down right thrilled to know that 5 days a week I am my own person, 5 days a week I can catch up on sleep, eat, veg out in front of the t.v., 5 days a week I can sit and stare at a wall uninterrupted!!

WOW!!!

The other side is that Lola willingly without a fuss and with a very quiet maturation permitted the pre-school teacher to remove her from her car seat and walk her to her class.  But just as I pulled away I glanced at this sweet and cute little girl in her groovy purple dress, black converse sneakers and orange lunch pale – she wasn’t my baby standing on the curb – she was now my little girl.

GOSH I was so wanting to scream “Wait STOP it’s way too fast!”

It’s so bitter sweet and just not quite fair, infants and toddlers exhaust us to the bone and yet they are the sweetest moments of our life.  We are torn from the moment they arrive between wanting them to “just sleep a few hours longer, when they scream like lunatics we can’t wait to be done with the terrible two’s to weeping that the infant smell is gone from our beds.”

Really this is the human condition and my biggest battle – hurry up and get here or there and then asking where did it all go once it’s gone?

For sure with Lola starting pre-school I’ve been jonesin’ for my Malibu days, we loved Ms. Deanne and the California Ocean of Learning.  I loved my mommas that I met there too!  Pre-school was such a great experience for Bella and myself, Ms. Deanne made it magical.

My day was busy I had meetings and went to my office like any normal day.  When I picked her up, I let all rules fall to the way side and I got out of my car to hug her, telling the teacher “sorry but this is my baby.”  They may have their ideas of what works but when your three years old and you’ve been away from your momma in a strange place a car ride home is way to long to wait for a hug. Of course it is possible that she was fine without a hug right away but I wasn’t.

She said she didn’t like it, and that she had a hard day, I told her  “I’m sure tomorrow will be better for the both of us.”

I’m sitting in my big ‘ole house listening to the girls play, once again Lee is away.  Something has changed, tonight my girls feel older and the house feels as if it has been empty all day.  I’m missing you Renee, Michelle, Sharon, Lucinda (who brought me to Ms.Deanne), Debbie and Laurie.  Here I am in this big, empty house wondering what is next? And where?

I’m thrilled her class is total Spanish Immersion and I love the way the actual classroom works and feels.

As for cracking the school code I’ve kind of figured out that it’s not really something I need to do.  I’ve met a couple mom’s and Bella has a friend that she likes so I’m thinking we are all good.  Funny thing is that a couple years ago I’d have pounded the pavement trying to form a connection, but these days I’m thinking my plate is full.

Ever since I was a kid I ate with my eyes, piling my plate with weird combinations and more than I could ever digest. Finally I’m starting to figure out just how much I can fit in my life.  Ms.Deanne made pre-school easy, she opened her heart and arms, inviting the community. There was nothing weird or isolating, Ms. Deanne was inclusive.

Last week Lee and I attended an orientation meeting for the girls current school.  I listened openly as they explained their theory that the teachers relationship is with the child and that is the focus – I get this and I dig this.  However when the director  said “if you want to know who the teachers are be sure to visit the website and read their bio’s”.  Ha ha….Lee and I laughed, and I surrendered.

We went on to meet the teacher and she is wonderful and warm, from Spain.  I knew in my heart that she would match Lola just fine.  Lee and I agreed that the pre- school is fine for now and that is that. I’ve also been thinking that just maybe this is Lola’s experience and for certain one that is her’s not Bella’s and not mine – maybe the way this school is run is to really put them on their own path.  After all Bella turns 7 tomorrow and with this cycle she becomes more her and less me.

Not only have I learned how much to pile on my plate but when to stop fiddling with a door that isn’t meant to be opened with my keys.

What I’ve been thinking about is the next 7 year cycle.  It seems that once we graduate from high school we spend a ton of years looking for people to love and tend to.  We get boyfriends and focus our extra time on them, we hang with girls and spend our college years worrying about the friendships and their trials.  Then we chase career paths and once again life is about the outside.

All of this outside focus keeps us from tending to our own minds, hearts and bodies and for sure “Hi Don’t Make Me Look At That” is a huge fan of these years!

Marriage and babies is the next phase of “Hi Don’t Make Me Look At That”, she loves this ’cause here she can bury herself so deep under the covers of life that catching a glimpse of her interior mirror is iffy.

So instead of cracking an outside code and joining more groups, piling on more work I think I’m gonna spend some much needed alone time with Mee.  I think all that mothering I’ve been learning over the past seven years is needed over here on this side of the mirror.

I’m going to slow down and rest when I’m tired.

I’m going talk nicely to myself.

I’m going to listen more closely to my thoughts.

I’m going sit and enjoy lunch with myself.

I’m going to attend Yoga classes and take myself for a walk…you see when the girls were tiny, I made mommy and me yoga happen and we strolled for hours looking at the trees.

….Just maybe the baby I’m birthing this 7 year cycle is Mee?