Today was giant, and like most giant moments they slide right up on ya’.

For seven years I’ve been a focused momma and a seriously (surprisingly to even me) good wife.  I’ve packed it up and traveled on a dimes notice, I’ve supported, cooked and cleaned for my family before ever tending to myself.  Today a change has begun.

Bella and Lola are both in school together (Lola is 3 but her pre-school is 5 days a week – 8am till 3pm).  It’s a tricky thing…part of me is down right thrilled to know that 5 days a week I am my own person, 5 days a week I can catch up on sleep, eat, veg out in front of the t.v., 5 days a week I can sit and stare at a wall uninterrupted!!

WOW!!!

The other side is that Lola willingly without a fuss and with a very quiet maturation permitted the pre-school teacher to remove her from her car seat and walk her to her class.  But just as I pulled away I glanced at this sweet and cute little girl in her groovy purple dress, black converse sneakers and orange lunch pale – she wasn’t my baby standing on the curb – she was now my little girl.

GOSH I was so wanting to scream “Wait STOP it’s way too fast!”

It’s so bitter sweet and just not quite fair, infants and toddlers exhaust us to the bone and yet they are the sweetest moments of our life.  We are torn from the moment they arrive between wanting them to “just sleep a few hours longer, when they scream like lunatics we can’t wait to be done with the terrible two’s to weeping that the infant smell is gone from our beds.”

Really this is the human condition and my biggest battle – hurry up and get here or there and then asking where did it all go once it’s gone?

For sure with Lola starting pre-school I’ve been jonesin’ for my Malibu days, we loved Ms. Deanne and the California Ocean of Learning.  I loved my mommas that I met there too!  Pre-school was such a great experience for Bella and myself, Ms. Deanne made it magical.

My day was busy I had meetings and went to my office like any normal day.  When I picked her up, I let all rules fall to the way side and I got out of my car to hug her, telling the teacher “sorry but this is my baby.”  They may have their ideas of what works but when your three years old and you’ve been away from your momma in a strange place a car ride home is way to long to wait for a hug. Of course it is possible that she was fine without a hug right away but I wasn’t.

She said she didn’t like it, and that she had a hard day, I told her  “I’m sure tomorrow will be better for the both of us.”

I’m sitting in my big ‘ole house listening to the girls play, once again Lee is away.  Something has changed, tonight my girls feel older and the house feels as if it has been empty all day.  I’m missing you Renee, Michelle, Sharon, Lucinda (who brought me to Ms.Deanne), Debbie and Laurie.  Here I am in this big, empty house wondering what is next? And where?

I’m thrilled her class is total Spanish Immersion and I love the way the actual classroom works and feels.

As for cracking the school code I’ve kind of figured out that it’s not really something I need to do.  I’ve met a couple mom’s and Bella has a friend that she likes so I’m thinking we are all good.  Funny thing is that a couple years ago I’d have pounded the pavement trying to form a connection, but these days I’m thinking my plate is full.

Ever since I was a kid I ate with my eyes, piling my plate with weird combinations and more than I could ever digest. Finally I’m starting to figure out just how much I can fit in my life.  Ms.Deanne made pre-school easy, she opened her heart and arms, inviting the community. There was nothing weird or isolating, Ms. Deanne was inclusive.

Last week Lee and I attended an orientation meeting for the girls current school.  I listened openly as they explained their theory that the teachers relationship is with the child and that is the focus – I get this and I dig this.  However when the director  said “if you want to know who the teachers are be sure to visit the website and read their bio’s”.  Ha ha….Lee and I laughed, and I surrendered.

We went on to meet the teacher and she is wonderful and warm, from Spain.  I knew in my heart that she would match Lola just fine.  Lee and I agreed that the pre- school is fine for now and that is that. I’ve also been thinking that just maybe this is Lola’s experience and for certain one that is her’s not Bella’s and not mine – maybe the way this school is run is to really put them on their own path.  After all Bella turns 7 tomorrow and with this cycle she becomes more her and less me.

Not only have I learned how much to pile on my plate but when to stop fiddling with a door that isn’t meant to be opened with my keys.

What I’ve been thinking about is the next 7 year cycle.  It seems that once we graduate from high school we spend a ton of years looking for people to love and tend to.  We get boyfriends and focus our extra time on them, we hang with girls and spend our college years worrying about the friendships and their trials.  Then we chase career paths and once again life is about the outside.

All of this outside focus keeps us from tending to our own minds, hearts and bodies and for sure “Hi Don’t Make Me Look At That” is a huge fan of these years!

Marriage and babies is the next phase of “Hi Don’t Make Me Look At That”, she loves this ’cause here she can bury herself so deep under the covers of life that catching a glimpse of her interior mirror is iffy.

So instead of cracking an outside code and joining more groups, piling on more work I think I’m gonna spend some much needed alone time with Mee.  I think all that mothering I’ve been learning over the past seven years is needed over here on this side of the mirror.

I’m going to slow down and rest when I’m tired.

I’m going talk nicely to myself.

I’m going to listen more closely to my thoughts.

I’m going sit and enjoy lunch with myself.

I’m going to attend Yoga classes and take myself for a walk…you see when the girls were tiny, I made mommy and me yoga happen and we strolled for hours looking at the trees.

….Just maybe the baby I’m birthing this 7 year cycle is Mee?