DEAR PKIA and GOT GRACE Peggy Raess:

I have been seeing the same guy for the past few years. He is really a wonderful person but he refuses to hang out with me except at home or at restaurants. He believes that going to movies, taking walks, shopping, or attending events in the park are not what men do. What I am left with is loneliness. I do everything by myself instead of having someone to share life with. Does he just have too much male hormone?

Every guy I’ve dated is the same. But my dad and mom do everything together, so I KNOW that’s not where I draw the attraction to these types of guys. What’s wrong?

Signed,
Too Much Man Juice

DEAREST TOO MUCH MAN JUICE:

No it’s not too much man juice, it’s his socialization. This is probably how he was raised and the type of behavior that he witnessed as a child or young adult. I would suggest figuring out what attracts you to this type of person. So let’s look at you…not him.

You have good role models in your parents, so why do you involve yourself with men who don’t connect to you and your life in a way that works for you? I had a similar problem in my life, so I understand this big time! For years before meeting my husband I dated someone I adored but we lived two incredibly separate lives under one roof. He refused to socialize in my world. I could in his, but he would not step foot into mine. Life became lonely.

Finally I started working with a counselor who pointed out my issues with intimacy. What I found inside myself was a persona whose attitude was, “HI I’M FINE WITHOUT YOU.” She had been running my intimate relationships with an iron fist, choosing only other “HI I’M FINE WITHOUT YOUs” to have relationships with. You see, if my partners couldn’t connect, then I didn’t have to share myself and be more emotionally intimate either.

As I worked on my stuff I took stock of all of the relationships in my life and could list only a few friendships that weren’t with other “HI I’M FINE WITHOUT YOUs.” However, as I dug deeper I was able to form a relationship with myself, which allowed me to connect more deeply with another person. Luckily, now I am married to someone who knows I need my space, but who also enjoys hanging out with me outside of home. I now have the intimate friendship I was looking for.

If you want your relationships to change, you have to change first. The good news is that as we develop and dig deeper, we mirror this back to our partners, giving them a chance to grow too. So maybe there’s hope for your current relationship. Good luck!

Princess Know It All and GOT GRACE Peggy Raess