I’ve been snooping around this week, not in anyone else’s bizz- no…that’s boring, but in my own. I think digging through someone else’s trash is a waste of time, ’cause no matter what you find – shifting the situation is out of your hands! If I take the time to mill through my own deal, I can make a change…….
It’s been so long since I had a professional session, once I became a momma my “Hi I Don’t Want To Look At That or should I say Hi I’m Too Busy To Look At That” ran the show. I’d also made the assumption that “I’d done my share of self work.” Ha, ha,…..NOTE TO SELF: Any time I think I’ve figured it out, I should grab my Sherlock Homes detective hat and a mirror.
I woke up last week with a TON of questions, it’s been a while since I felt so many questions circling my mind. The biggest one is “How do I do it all, all the time?” “How do I keep up?” “Is it normal to want to move back to the Jungle and just hang out on the beach, not have such big goals?” “Does this mean I’m a runner?”
So having so many questions and not really certain who to ask, I booked a session with a highly recommended therapist. Ready to unravel I found my way to her couch, and what a unique couch I found. It was interesting that a therapist would ask my date and time of birth while booking our session, then when I met her I wasn’t prepared for how cool she really is. I have a running list of women that have influenced and inspired me, some I have known directly – everyday regular folks and others I have admired via their teachings, art and writings. For instance Beatrice Woods, Maya Angelou, Nina Simone, Margret Mead, Bea Richards, Harriet Tubman – what they all have in common for me is their completeness within. In my deepest moments of doubt and desire the one thing I have yearned for is completeness. I think we all do, “chauffer” (therapist) as I will refer to her, strives for this as well and reflects self completeness. “Chauffer” looks at the “whole” person, spiritually, astrologically, emotionally, clinically, physically – health wise. Our physical body is run based on the “gas” of these influential elements.
Fo’sho she was working that pen of hers to death trying to keep up with all the descriptions of my characters and my full on life facts. Asking someone like me “what’s going on” is a big question! ha,ha….What I love about this new “Chauffeur” is that she knows the route and I’m free to choose my stops and get off where I please.
I’d been to many therapists and I’ve met a SLEW of them via Lee and his businesses, I always feel like they sit on one side and I on the other – that we don’t actually live on the same street. Can you dig this? Meaning, my stuff is foreign to them – like we aren’t all really the same, but we are the same and we all do go through the SAME “shizat” just not the same setting. I know this is true, I know we – Mee and You – aren’t unconnected. The “Chauffeur” knows my route ’cause she has driven herself over and over again either via other folks or her own life. She lets me know that she’s sat in my seat and knows the dips in the leather. Like a good “Chauffeur” she calls out the stops as they approach – giving me a chance to see what’s coming up within me. I must tell you having a private place to express and release my fears feels so good! I love the day after a session, I’m able to put so many pieces together. Something we discussed this week was insecurities and the conclusion is that they aren’t bad, in fact we are here to experience them, integrating them is the piece. All that self hating and hiding our insecurities just gives them more juice. So, I guess my characters are for sure driven from insecure places and recognizing them is part of the process? Years ago I was so nervous to sit with a “Chauffeur” for fear that she would see MEE and since I had yet seen MEE how scary to have some stranger poke around in there! This time I had to pace myself, as I was rushing to strip down to the bare bones! ha,ha…I can’t wait to see where this fine “Chauffeur” drives me to next week!
Talk about putting the pieces together, I had an interesting session with Gil Ben Ami “Happy Son of My People.” I walked in his office this week after a tricky Saturday night. I’ve been feeling really well, in fact I’ve been doing fantastically well! However Saturday night I felt what seemed to be a partial obstruction coming on. I didn’t panic ’cause I got tricks now, I know what to do fo’myself!! I heated up a water bottle, boiled some hot water and poured it over an Ume Boshi Plum – this moves the gas baby! Try it if you suffer too!
“Happy Son of My People”, was confused as to why I was suffering – I’ve been diligent with the food, taking breaks and not pushing myself. However the weather is changing and in Chinese medicine the Fall is the toughest on the Lungs and Intestines (from now through December). What was interesting is that our conversation shifted from my belly to “Rebchoo”. As he placed each needle I was overwhelmed with thoughts of her, tears began to run down my cheeks and I really had to hold back a sob. Once I closed my eyes I began to think about her but not as I know her now but as who she was long ago, I could see her in a house – one I’ve never been in, I could see her as a girl. I heard her speaking a language that I don’t know but understood. From there my mind jumped to me sitting before the rabbi – you see I attempted conversion to Judaism twice. I spent most of my 20′s with an Israeli Diamond dealer, every time I’d look at his face his mouth and chin reminded me of my mothers, but NOT my momma from this life. Then I didn’t have words for it let alone thoughts, but I’d always listen to him talk and see my momma! You’ve got to understand that he was a very handsome and masculine man, so the fact that I kept having this weird image of a mother was just plain WEIRD! Then to add a twist to the top, I’d never heard Hebrew before, as diverse as Oberlin was I had only one Jewish gal pal and Hebrew she didn’t speak…..Funny thing is I remember the moment I heard “The Israeli” speak – something clicked, within two weeks I was mimicking and SPEAKING! On my first trip to Israel, I walked into his mothers house, sat on the couch next to her and with out knowing it – I collapsed into her lap resting my head in her hands.
I was home. This new language, the food, the sounds of the streets and the feel of the country were not a new place I was visiting but a place where I had once belonged.
You ask well why didn’t I convert?
Why did I not stay with him?
I know I was with him for the time that I was meant to be, somewhere we think that a successful relationship is only successful if it is until death do us part. This is just not true. In fact I have dated other people for shorter time and the lessons learned and love grown have nothing to do with the amount of time. After all think about all the folks that stay married their ENTIRE life times and fight until the day they die?
I didn’t convert because in truth I felt like I understood this religion deeply in my heart and I knew that I was converting for “The Israeli”, I couldn’t look into the eyes of the Rabbi and tell him that I would never visit another church, that I only believed Judaism to be true. I KNOW that their are many truths, my conversion studies however really helped me understand Christianity from an ancient starting point. In our house now we celebrate Rosh Hashana and Passover and I speak to my girls in Hebrew. In fact I dream at night in Hebrew….somewhere this language and it’s people sits alive inside of me. The amount of success that I gained from this relationship is immeasurable, being with anyone causes us to expand and he for sure influenced and stretched my awareness, aiding in my marriage today.
As my mind danced from my Israeli life and back to Rebchoo, my tears filled again. Did I really remember her? Had I been with her in Auschwitz? As this last thought moved through me my heart tightened, my tummy twisted from some awful familiar smell in the air. I was freezing, shivering to be exact – I could see what seemed like snow falling- but it wasn’t snow. With this startling revelation my legs jumped making the needles pinch me – I opened my eyes – I was safe – the smell lingered, yet I was there in my regular acupuncture room. Sprawled out on the table eyes open, not wanting to drift off again – many questions flooded my mind. What was that all about? Was I really there with Rebchoo or was I just overly sympathetic because of my strong belief in our human connections? Like I said I KNOW we are all connected, but just how? I’m heading to LA in 10 days and I’ve already organized a time to see her, she is older now and not so strong in her short term memory, but just maybe her long term is open to fill in my blanks.
Once we start snooping around, everything clicks. That night I rested on my bed with my warm compresses and sipping Kukicha Twig Tea, browsing Andre Weils magazine, I came across a super interesting article! According to many a doctors and researchers CARRAGEENAN a food additive found mainly in soy and dairy products as well as in other types of processed foods has shown some serious side effects! Dr. Joanne Tobacman, MD, a physician and researcher at the University of Iowa has shared via studies that Carrageenan, causes intestinal ulcerations in lab animals and in studies done in human tissues. The Food Manufacturers claim this not to be true – but hey Carrageenan is a cheap thickener and we all KNOW that money and profit is more important than our health….DANG that’s to bad!
According to Dr. Joanne Tobacman, Carrageenan and other additives in our foods may be contributing to conditiosn such as irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and CROHN’S Disease.
For the past two weeks I’ve added a couple things to my diet in attempts to “plump” up – a tofu based cream cheese – ingredients CARRAGEENAN, and a Soy Milk Creamer ingredient: CARRAGEENAN!! For the past two weeks I’ve taken in the creamer and the tofu cream cheese at least twice a day!!! By the end of the two weeks my tummy or should I say intestines is so inflamed (swollen) that the food could barely pass! Now it’s been 4 full days since I threw that stuff out, I increased my veggie intake – this is the fastest way to bring inflammation down any where in the body and I’ve bumped up my Kuzu intake! I’m feeling way better and less bloated!! YAHOO, Yahoo…yahooo….
So I know not all of you out there suffer from digestive disorders BUT take note, if you can seek info out and empower yourself by making investigative choices fo’sho you can solve some of your own personal stuff too! It’s not up to anybody else to take care of us, but US!
Sifting through our thoughts, dreams, feelings, characters, relationships and food choices is free and worth the time…I hope I’m encouraging someone out there to take a look and move “Hi I Don’t Want A Look At That” over.