Searching for a window into my 7-year-old self and running the tape, attempting to remember my actual relationships with my family and friends.  I’ve been thinking about what it felt like to care about people outside of my family and to trust these people for the first time.  Cause that’s what we do when we start to make our own friends.

What’s triggered this passage through time is Bella…on Tuesday she was awfully quiet after school, Wednesday the same and by Thursday she wept when I asked her how her day was….

As she crawled into my lap and buried her face in my sweater she began to share glimpses into her world.  She said it started off gradual but by Thursday it was full on – She’d been pushed out of the “group”.  There is a group of 5 girls that play together, really at her school their interactions are thoughtful, they are taught mindfulness of their actions and words.  Still they are children, and girls at that.

Bella found herself as the 5th Wheel this week.  She overheard one of them refer to her as a “Jerk”, and when she asked to join their games they told her they had enough people.  Then she really cried, not understanding how this is all possible – after all they are my friends, right momma?

Hmmmmm…As I sat and rocked her, I remembered all the times I’d felt or have been left out. I was shocked that it starts so soon.  7, that’s the age that we start to lash out and interact – mimicking the older girls and women that we quietly witness from the back seat of the car while they drive and gossip their way to soccer practice.  We hear the confusing signs as our elders chat negatively about someone and then, upon running into them at the market, we silently witness once again how to be mistrustful as these mommas meet and greet the person they just cut up.  Lending them a big, warm hug and fake smile.  By the time we are 7, everything is role play and our peers make up the acting troupe. So if yo’ kid is gossiping, check yo’self!

What to do, I wondered…she asked me to contact her friends mommas – I told her I would.

But, I didn’t.

I decided to sit with it, try to find the right words to build her up.  I am a mother who gets in the middle of my kids when they squabble, I DON’T believe that little people have any clue how to sort things out, so I don’t leave them empty handed to “duke” it out, none of this “bite-her-back-crap.” I step into the room and give them language “explain to her why you don’t like that, tell her how that makes you feel, please apologize, ask her forgiveness” ( THIS IS HUGE!) teaching our children to ask forgiveness and to receive forgiveness can seriously make life easier down the road – OK for the rest of the road!

So now Bella is out of my ear range and I can’t really step in while she is at school, so I’ve got to arm her with a strong, clear, kind, voice, letting her know that she actually has COMPLETE choice in who she plays with and who she considers a friend, empowering her to base her choices on who people show her that they are!

Back to me and my memory, there was a group of girls I hung with tightly and by 3rd and 4th grade there was fo’sho the early stages of love hate relationships laying down some trails.  However, I was different from Bella and my up bringing was different, my momma was a tough little Italian gal and my Grandma even tougher.  If someone left me out I was told to tell ‘em where to stick it! ha, ha…

My Grandma didn’t play.  Us kids (my siblings and cousins) had ONE RULE  and we followed it “BE GOOD TO EACH OTHER.”  It was in our blood, NO TEASING, NAME CALLING or NEGLECTING. PERIOD!  Being “Guinny” meant being tight.  This connectedness gave me a place of belonging and thickened my skin as I went into the world.  I KNEW my family had and still has my back.  I was known for my mouthiness as a kid, if you did someone else wrong, I spoke up at school or on the playground…popularity was never something to risk this embedded family rule.

Bella on the other hand has moved around so much and life our in Mexico was wonderful on one level but for her she never felt like an insider school wise, now she knows that we are here temporarily,  and the fear of what’s next works her insecure little nerve.  PLUS she doesn’t have the strong influence of a tightly knit Italian crew…

Even my thick skin has been thinned with all the changes, not so much with new friends but with putting myself in a visible light is intimidating at times.  Leaving me to question myself way too often, pulling on my 7-year-old inner girl.

Nowadays, my 7-year-old manifests herself via “Hi I’m Fine With Out You” or “Hi I’m Offended” the two of these characters are really just reacting like they did as kids, taking it all so very personal and turning a cold shoulder instead of vocalizing with kindness what they need and the big one OWNING their part in the situation.

Yesterday afternoon, Bella called one of the girls to invite her for a play date, I was busy cooking when I over heard parts of her convo “Well tomorrow will be great, I’m looking forward to our play date and well there is something I need to talk about with you in private.”

I jumped up and down in the corner “Go Bella, Go Bella!” She knows that A.) It’s a private matter and B.) She is gonna face it head on with kindness.

Dang if she can learn not to be hooked by rejection, her relationship choices will be just that – HERS!

Last night I dreamt that I’d set up camp – a tent and gear, I was finally comfy when a HUGE wave came rolling from behind.  It was really like it is when you’re  standing in the ocean and you can see the large waves forming, I braced myself – I heard a voice tell me “It’s OK you have time to gather your stuff and self, nothing will get ruined.”  I faced the wave with my tent in hand and prepared to get smashed. However when the wave came I held my tent in the air and my head remained dry.  The waves continued to roll in and I too continued to float.

I know that this is said to be emotions or spirit communicating with us, for sure it felt like it.  For the past few days I’ve been jonesin’ for the sea, for Mexico and to return to my life deep inside the veil.  My creative self wants to return to a place that has no feelings of confinement.

Lee and I have been looking at houses here in Nashville, we have probably looked at close to 25 since we arrived.  On Sunday I walked into a place where I could live.  It is Sweet and Elegant, a wonderful combo.  I looked at Lee and said OK this is it.  Then that night I tightened up – COMMITMENT PHOBIC!

I’ve been having dialogue with Nashville all week, sort of like when your dating someone that you realize you really only want to date and not marry? They now know it ’cause the cats out of the bad but neither one of you is done, these relationships can last along time like this – however the underlying understanding that you have seen the deal is on the table.  I’ve been talking to Nashville, saying things like “I like you, your a nice place.  I know I’m supposed to be here, after all you’ve helped me with so very much.  I will always have a place here – The Ranch.  It’s just that I’m not ready to settle down yet.  I hope you understand?”

And just like someone who has found comfort in a relationship, the fear of knowing that I will have yet another move in my future is unsettling.

Mexico has been rocking me through these past couple of days, I find great comfort in speaking her language and listening to her music.  Last night I sat up searching for tickets and trying to figure out when I could squeeze a trip in.  But, the tickets are SKY high right now and the girls have school, I have work commitments and life must go on as planned.

The good news is that we are leaving for Malibu next week, I’m super excited It’s been a year since we were last there and WOW what a year, our last visit I was so very sick and spending 10 days at Cedar Sinai Hospital trying to figure out if I was going to be OK.  In fact that brings me to this weeks realization “I am better.”

I walked into “Happy Son Of My People’s” office with time dinging a bell over my head, it’s been 8 months since my first visit.  On that first visit I was so weak, scared and sad.  I’d really thought that I was going to die and leave my girls and Lee. When you live with so much pain and no solution, food is impossible to eat and you’ve not met one person with a clue – grief is all consuming.  “Happy Son Of My People” looked into my eyes and told me I was going to be OK, he explained that it would be a year of commitment and dedication.  That I would face many fears and revisit many experiences but if I could dig deep enough I would regain my health via my faith.  Virginia Harper told me it would be a year too, that it takes a year for the body to rid it’s self of toxins, then to rebuild upon the food that it is being fed.  I would be shedding layers.

Here I am 8 months in and for certain clearing away so many ideas of myself…and even exploring concepts that seemed way out of reach. When I asked Virginia Harper “When will I start to gain weight and feel better? ” She took my hand and put it in a fist and said “When you are like this your body can’t receive”. Then she opened my hand and spread out my fingers and said “But when you relax and open you can and will.”

Next week I will sit with Rebchoo, she is old now and she lives in a world of long ago – just maybe my present will catch up with her past and we can revisit a time.

We got a big ‘ole blog, a new sketch introducing our first “Starry Travel“, a brief Astrology section and Part Two for PKIA ESPANOL!

I’ve been snooping around this week, not in anyone else’s bizz- no…that’s boring, but in my own.  I think digging through someone else’s trash is a waste of time, ’cause no matter what you find – shifting the situation is out of your hands! If I take the time to mill through my own deal, I can make a change…….

It’s been so long since I had a professional session, once I became a momma my “Hi I Don’t Want To Look At That or should I say Hi I’m Too Busy To Look At That” ran the show.  I’d also made the assumption that “I’d done my share of self work.” Ha, ha,…..NOTE TO SELF: Any time I think I’ve figured it out, I should grab my Sherlock Homes detective hat and a mirror.

I woke up last week with a TON of questions, it’s been a while since I felt so many questions circling my mind.  The biggest one is “How do I do it all, all the time?” “How do I keep up?” “Is it normal to want to move back to the Jungle and just hang out on the beach, not have such big goals?” “Does this mean I’m a runner?”

So having so many questions and not really certain who to ask, I booked a session with a highly recommended therapist.  Ready to unravel I found my way to her couch, and what a unique couch I found. It was  interesting that a therapist would ask my date and time of birth while booking our session, then when I met her I wasn’t prepared for how cool she really is.  I have a running list of women that have influenced and inspired me, some I have known directly – everyday regular folks and others I have admired via their teachings, art and writings.  For instance Beatrice Woods, Maya Angelou, Nina Simone, Margret Mead, Bea Richards, Harriet Tubman – what they all have in common for me is their completeness within.  In my deepest moments of doubt and desire the one thing I have yearned for is completeness.  I think we all do, “chauffer” (therapist) as I will refer to her, strives for this as well and reflects self completeness.  “Chauffer” looks at the “whole” person, spiritually, astrologically, emotionally, clinically, physically – health wise.   Our physical body is run based on the “gas” of these influential elements.

Fo’sho she was working that pen of hers to death trying to keep up with all the descriptions of my characters and my full on life facts.  Asking someone like me “what’s going on” is a big question! ha,ha….What I love about this new “Chauffeur” is that she knows the route and I’m free to choose my stops and get off where I please.

I’d been to many therapists and I’ve met a SLEW of them via Lee and his businesses, I always feel like they sit on one side and I on the other – that we don’t actually live on the same street. Can you dig this? Meaning, my stuff is foreign to them – like we aren’t all really the same, but we are the same and we all do go through the SAME “shizat” just not the same setting.  I know this is true, I know we – Mee and You – aren’t unconnected. The “Chauffeur” knows my route ’cause she has driven herself over and over again either via other folks or her own life.  She lets me know that she’s sat in my seat and knows the dips in the leather. Like a good “Chauffeur” she calls out the stops as they approach – giving me a chance to see what’s coming up within me.  I must tell you having a private place to express and release my fears feels so good! I love the day after a session, I’m able to put so many pieces together.  Something we discussed this week was insecurities and the conclusion is that they aren’t bad, in fact we are here to experience them, integrating them is the piece. All that self hating and hiding our insecurities just gives them more juice.  So, I guess my characters are for sure driven from insecure places and recognizing them is part of the process?  Years ago I was so nervous to sit with a “Chauffeur” for fear that she would see MEE and since I had yet seen MEE how scary to have some stranger poke around in there!  This time I had to pace myself, as I was rushing to strip down to the bare bones! ha,ha…I can’t wait to see where this fine “Chauffeur” drives me to next week!

Talk about putting the pieces together,  I had an interesting  session with Gil Ben Ami “Happy Son of My People.” I walked in his office this week after a tricky Saturday night.  I’ve been feeling really well, in fact I’ve been doing fantastically well!  However Saturday night I felt what seemed to be a partial obstruction coming on.  I didn’t panic ’cause I got tricks now, I know what to do fo’myself!!   I heated up a water bottle, boiled some hot water and poured it over an Ume Boshi Plum – this moves the gas baby!  Try it if you suffer too!

“Happy Son of My People”, was confused as to why I was suffering – I’ve been diligent with the food, taking breaks and not pushing myself.  However the weather is changing and in Chinese medicine the Fall is the toughest on the Lungs and Intestines (from now through December).  What was interesting is that our conversation shifted from my belly to “Rebchoo”.  As he placed each needle I was overwhelmed with thoughts of her, tears began to run down my cheeks and I really had to hold back a sob. Once I closed my eyes I began to think about her but not as I know her now but as who she was long ago, I could see her in a house – one I’ve never been in, I could see her as a girl.  I heard her speaking a language that I don’t know but understood.  From there my mind jumped to me sitting before the rabbi – you see I attempted conversion to Judaism twice.  I spent most of my 20′s with an Israeli Diamond dealer, every time I’d look at his face his mouth and chin reminded me of my mothers, but NOT my momma from this life.  Then I didn’t have words for it let alone thoughts, but I’d always listen to him talk and see my momma! You’ve got to understand that he was a very handsome and masculine man, so the fact that I kept having this weird image of a mother was just plain WEIRD!  Then to add a twist to the top, I’d never heard Hebrew before, as diverse as Oberlin was I had only one Jewish gal pal and Hebrew she didn’t speak…..Funny thing is I remember the moment I heard “The Israeli” speak – something clicked, within two weeks I was mimicking and SPEAKING!  On my first trip to Israel, I walked into his mothers house, sat on the couch next to her and with out knowing it – I collapsed into her lap resting my head in her hands.

I was home.  This new language, the food, the sounds of the streets and the feel of the country were not a new place I was visiting but a place where I had once belonged.

You ask well why didn’t I convert?

Why did I not stay with him?

I know I was with him for the time that I was meant to be, somewhere we think that a successful relationship is only successful if it is until death do us part.  This is just not true.  In fact I have dated other people for shorter time and the lessons learned and love grown have nothing to do with the amount of time.  After all think about all the folks that stay married their ENTIRE life times and fight until the day they die?

I didn’t convert because in truth I felt like I understood this religion deeply in my heart and I knew that I was converting for “The Israeli”, I couldn’t look into the eyes of the Rabbi and tell him that I would never visit another church, that I only believed Judaism to be true.  I KNOW that their are many truths, my conversion studies however really helped me understand Christianity from an ancient starting point.  In our house now we celebrate Rosh Hashana and Passover and I speak to my girls in Hebrew.  In fact I dream at night in Hebrew….somewhere this language and it’s people sits alive inside of me. The amount of success that I gained from this relationship is immeasurable, being with anyone causes us to expand and he for sure influenced and stretched my awareness, aiding in my marriage today.

As my mind danced from my Israeli life and back to Rebchoo, my tears filled again.  Did I really remember her? Had I been with her in Auschwitz?  As this last thought moved through me my heart tightened, my tummy twisted from some awful familiar smell in the air.  I was freezing, shivering to be exact – I could see what seemed like snow falling- but it wasn’t snow.  With this startling revelation my legs jumped making the needles pinch me – I opened my eyes – I was safe – the smell lingered, yet I was there in my regular acupuncture room.  Sprawled out on the table eyes open, not wanting to drift off again – many questions flooded my mind. What was that all about?  Was I really there with Rebchoo or was I just overly sympathetic because of my strong belief in our human connections?  Like I said I KNOW we are all connected, but just how?  I’m heading to LA in 10 days and I’ve already organized a time to see her, she is older now and not so strong in her short term memory, but just maybe her long term is open to fill in my blanks.

Once we start snooping around, everything clicks.  That night I rested on my bed with my warm compresses and sipping Kukicha Twig Tea, browsing Andre Weils magazine, I came across a super interesting article!  According to many a doctors and researchers CARRAGEENAN a food additive found mainly in soy and dairy products as well as in other types of processed foods has shown some serious side effects!  Dr. Joanne Tobacman, MD, a physician and researcher at the University of Iowa has shared via studies that Carrageenan, causes intestinal ulcerations in lab animals and in studies done in human tissues.  The Food Manufacturers claim this not to be true – but hey Carrageenan is a cheap thickener and we all KNOW that money and profit is more important than our health….DANG that’s to bad!

According to Dr. Joanne Tobacman, Carrageenan and other additives in our foods may be contributing to conditiosn such as irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and CROHN’S Disease.

Guess what?

For the past two weeks I’ve added a couple things to my diet in attempts to “plump” up – a tofu based cream cheese – ingredients CARRAGEENAN, and a Soy Milk Creamer ingredient: CARRAGEENAN!! For the past two weeks I’ve taken in the creamer and the tofu cream cheese at least twice a day!!! By the end of the two weeks my tummy or should I say intestines is so inflamed (swollen) that the food could barely pass!  Now it’s been 4 full days since I threw that stuff out, I increased my veggie intake – this is the fastest way to bring inflammation down any where in the body and I’ve bumped up my Kuzu intake!  I’m feeling way better and less bloated!! YAHOO, Yahoo…yahooo….

So I know not all of you out there suffer from digestive disorders BUT take note, if you can seek info out and empower yourself by making investigative choices fo’sho you can solve some of your own personal stuff too!  It’s not up to anybody else to take care of us, but US!

Sifting through our thoughts, dreams, feelings, characters, relationships and food choices is free and worth the time…I hope I’m encouraging someone out there to take a look and move “Hi I Don’t Want A Look At That” over.