Searching for a window into my 7-year-old self and running the tape, attempting to remember my actual relationships with my family and friends.  I’ve been thinking about what it felt like to care about people outside of my family and to trust these people for the first time.  Cause that’s what we do when we start to make our own friends.

What’s triggered this passage through time is Bella…on Tuesday she was awfully quiet after school, Wednesday the same and by Thursday she wept when I asked her how her day was….

As she crawled into my lap and buried her face in my sweater she began to share glimpses into her world.  She said it started off gradual but by Thursday it was full on – She’d been pushed out of the “group”.  There is a group of 5 girls that play together, really at her school their interactions are thoughtful, they are taught mindfulness of their actions and words.  Still they are children, and girls at that.

Bella found herself as the 5th Wheel this week.  She overheard one of them refer to her as a “Jerk”, and when she asked to join their games they told her they had enough people.  Then she really cried, not understanding how this is all possible – after all they are my friends, right momma?

Hmmmmm…As I sat and rocked her, I remembered all the times I’d felt or have been left out. I was shocked that it starts so soon.  7, that’s the age that we start to lash out and interact – mimicking the older girls and women that we quietly witness from the back seat of the car while they drive and gossip their way to soccer practice.  We hear the confusing signs as our elders chat negatively about someone and then, upon running into them at the market, we silently witness once again how to be mistrustful as these mommas meet and greet the person they just cut up.  Lending them a big, warm hug and fake smile.  By the time we are 7, everything is role play and our peers make up the acting troupe. So if yo’ kid is gossiping, check yo’self!

What to do, I wondered…she asked me to contact her friends mommas – I told her I would.

But, I didn’t.

I decided to sit with it, try to find the right words to build her up.  I am a mother who gets in the middle of my kids when they squabble, I DON’T believe that little people have any clue how to sort things out, so I don’t leave them empty handed to “duke” it out, none of this “bite-her-back-crap.” I step into the room and give them language “explain to her why you don’t like that, tell her how that makes you feel, please apologize, ask her forgiveness” ( THIS IS HUGE!) teaching our children to ask forgiveness and to receive forgiveness can seriously make life easier down the road – OK for the rest of the road!

So now Bella is out of my ear range and I can’t really step in while she is at school, so I’ve got to arm her with a strong, clear, kind, voice, letting her know that she actually has COMPLETE choice in who she plays with and who she considers a friend, empowering her to base her choices on who people show her that they are!

Back to me and my memory, there was a group of girls I hung with tightly and by 3rd and 4th grade there was fo’sho the early stages of love hate relationships laying down some trails.  However, I was different from Bella and my up bringing was different, my momma was a tough little Italian gal and my Grandma even tougher.  If someone left me out I was told to tell ‘em where to stick it! ha, ha…

My Grandma didn’t play.  Us kids (my siblings and cousins) had ONE RULE  and we followed it “BE GOOD TO EACH OTHER.”  It was in our blood, NO TEASING, NAME CALLING or NEGLECTING. PERIOD!  Being “Guinny” meant being tight.  This connectedness gave me a place of belonging and thickened my skin as I went into the world.  I KNEW my family had and still has my back.  I was known for my mouthiness as a kid, if you did someone else wrong, I spoke up at school or on the playground…popularity was never something to risk this embedded family rule.

Bella on the other hand has moved around so much and life our in Mexico was wonderful on one level but for her she never felt like an insider school wise, now she knows that we are here temporarily,  and the fear of what’s next works her insecure little nerve.  PLUS she doesn’t have the strong influence of a tightly knit Italian crew…

Even my thick skin has been thinned with all the changes, not so much with new friends but with putting myself in a visible light is intimidating at times.  Leaving me to question myself way too often, pulling on my 7-year-old inner girl.

Nowadays, my 7-year-old manifests herself via “Hi I’m Fine With Out You” or “Hi I’m Offended” the two of these characters are really just reacting like they did as kids, taking it all so very personal and turning a cold shoulder instead of vocalizing with kindness what they need and the big one OWNING their part in the situation.

Yesterday afternoon, Bella called one of the girls to invite her for a play date, I was busy cooking when I over heard parts of her convo “Well tomorrow will be great, I’m looking forward to our play date and well there is something I need to talk about with you in private.”

I jumped up and down in the corner “Go Bella, Go Bella!” She knows that A.) It’s a private matter and B.) She is gonna face it head on with kindness.

Dang if she can learn not to be hooked by rejection, her relationship choices will be just that – HERS!