What’s up with me right now is that I really DON’T know, and all the things that I thought I knew have no weight – even situations that seem to repeat themselves or return wearing a different dress require me to surrender and learn what I THOUGHT I knew from a new perspective. You see reincarnation is not something that occurs at the end of this human body but everyday that I am in this body. Every day, I am dieing, becoming someone new.
I have a picture of me holding a fish that I’d helped my father catch, in the photo I was about 7 years old – grinning, baring my missing front teeth. At the time of the photo I was living with my mother in Clark Court and visiting my father at his Lake Erie front apartment. I was in Mrs. Bleacher’s class at Eastwood and my best friends were the Clark girls and Bay and Bookie. We filled each Friday night with dance contests, listening to all the good disco that my mother loved to twirl too.
All of this has gone and become something else, none of it is the same. The little girl holding a fish has passed on with the rest of her world….
If you sent out a search party carrying a picture of that little girl along with a list of what I was able to comprehend, articulate and all the thoughts that I believed to be true – you would find out that the little girl in the picture is gone, gone from this current world, to be found only deep inside of me – only to be heard in memory.
I awoke with a terrible headache the morning of our visit to see The Oracle, I went through the motions of dressing the girls, eating breakfast, thinking only of what I needed to do upon our return to LA. You see I thought our visit with Kuten-la was all about Bella…
The morning was busy – Jane Eller prepared an AMAZING meal for all of us to share. I sat at the counter watching and learning as many tricks as I could. Totally impressed that Jane a young woman in her early 20′s has not only such mad cooking skills, but a total comprehension of the value and honor of preparing such food. Most young people and mid 30′s OK and 40′s see spending time in the kitchen as wasteful – looking for short cuts is a sign of the times, baby.
Once our meal was packed up we loaded up into 3 cars – needing an extra because we would be lending transportation to the monks and their entourage, Kuten – la was going to be speaking with Alex Grey – a NYC artist that does some pretty amazing and intense paintings. In the meantime Kuten – la was staying about an hour from Herondale Farms so we were up for a journey. The girls slept and Iva and I chatted about what we thought the purpose of intuition was really about and even more yet – the concept of being Psychic. Our conclusion is that intuition is truly for the intuitive, an opportunity to gain self trust. BUT remember EVERY time I think I know it, I find out that I don’t - so of course this is something that I will probably look at 1,000 more times in my life.
Finally, we arrived finding ourselves parked before a beautiful historical yellow and white farm house (Upstate NY is covered with really old homes Victorian in style), this house in particular dated back to the very early 1800′s. For certain I had an image of the inner decor filling my mind – Ha,ha,ha….don’t assume!
As the front door opened and we stepped in all of our jaws dropped! The owner of the home is of German decent – still thick with accent and dancing eyes. She had worked for many, many years as a Broadway set designer, crafting imaginary worlds. I felt like Alice in Wonderland – the door I thought I was walking through led me into a world of it’s own.
On the walls hung the most beautiful Tibetan art, the ceilings were covered with silk like fabrics with intricate Tibetan Murrow’s depicting stories. There were Tibetan vases and artifacts and WOW the chairs and sofas had been upholstered with AMAZING silk fabrics – rich in color. The German had set a tea party fitting for a real Princess..again lovely china and deserts, bowels filled with cream and platters of fruit. It wasn’t just Bella and Lola that were smiling with glee, ALL of us were!
The CATS! The German was not alone in her home, she shares it with 3 DROP DEAD GORGEOUS HIMALAYAN cats, in fact these were cats like no others I’ve met.
They sat high upon the seats talking to us, filling the room with their own chatter. Lola – being a Leo to the bone, vastly made friends with them for sure she speaks CAT!
Kuten -la traveled only with one monk his secretary Llama Tenzin and Marr-ia – his translator for extensive conversation, for he speaks English remarkably well. We were so happy to see them!! I was really surprised by how familiar it was to be with both Llama Tenzin and Kuten-la. Of course Bella ran to them both and Lola dabbled around way more interested in the majestic cats. Kuten- la had brought Bella a traditional Tibetan shirt and a dress for me – which of course fit perfectly. Our afternoon together was swell, Bella sang and we all laughed – something to share – The Dali Llama and Kuten -la and all the monks we’ve met are funny and light people!!! They totally understand that life is how you live it, try to live it with as much joy the first time so that when you are old and playing back your mental videos you can enjoy the show!
Off we went for another hour long car ride to Alex Greys center, Lola fussed like mad and when I asked Kuten -la what to do about her wildness he said “Ask Bella, she was a teacher of Dharma and Discipline.” Hmmm..then I began to ask other questions about Isabella and who she had been. The one item I will share is that she was a Master Chanter – to be so one must be incredibly disciplined and have a strong memory, there is only one Master Chanter per monastery. This explains why she has been able to memorize lyrics in complete entirety since she was 3 years old, she has perfect pitch when she sings. As I listened to the stories of how he knew it was her and what she told him before she died – I began to open to the idea. Sharing all of this has been tricky for me, it is private and personal – for certain I will not leave this post up for too long – needing to save it for only Bella later in her life.
You see I’m a skeptic, remember “Hi I Got One Eye On You?”
We spoke about reincarnation, how come it happens and what it’s all about. That we do continue on with those that have Karma to work out in this life and our most graceful relationships are usually the ones we’ve danced with before. They believe that high Llamas are given choice in who they will come back as, Bella chose Lee, Lola and I and this is where it got interesting. I started thinking well who was I? Why would she choose me, I’m way too quirky, heavily flawed and not quite spiritual enough, I LOVE BAGS and shoes, and sometimes I’m inpatient with my girls – lending me to snap and feel totally frazzled and depleted like all honest moms I know, OH and I have not out-grown my love of rap music! Plus I’ve been KNOWN to enjoy a good curse word now and again.
But what freedom is offered up in this thought – What if we really did choose the life that we are leading, meaning before it even happened we could look into and see all the good and bad, accept the challenges and KNOW somewhere deep inside that we were in agreement, empowering us to step up and become our greatest selves, freeing ourselves from becoming victims of these twisty things that occur in all of our lives.
To prove my point even more, we arrived at the event and my headache was raging out of control! As Kuten -la began to speak about who he is and how he became him I struggled to focus – closing my eyes and thinking about only god knows what. Bella hung to the side with Llama Tenzin – enjoying her time with her old friends. I kept thinking – OK Mee pay attention this is important info here..but the idea of learning to make Janes polenta took precedence and there for my FOCUS! You see how flawed I can be?
When the evening lecture was over and we were saying our good byes to every one I looked down to ask Bella if she’d said good bye to the monks, with panic she said “What do you mean momma – aren’t they coming home with us?” “No, they are going back with The German and we are going to Iva’s.”
Then the spinning began, it was confusing – she began to weep – I too felt what I thought was mother’s sympathy for her and then her despair escalated – it was if someone was taking her from me but she was clinging to me, wretched with tears and grief -and then Kuten -la wrapped his arms around Bella and I. The three of us stood embraced in a funnel cloud of time…I could see the THREAD! When I first met Kuten-la he placed a red thread around my neck, I have worn this thread and still do – now I understood it’s meaning we are all connected by a thread of time and suddenly I saw you all – all of you that I love so deeply Nanny, Bubba, Gina, Lalo, Lee, Fonzo, Berto, Carlito, My mothers family, my brother and sister, Gina (my dead bff from high school), my mother, my great grandmothers and all of the time that enveloped them, The Muro’s, Maria, Lena, Gab, M.A., The Three Renee’s, Iva and the Peeles, My Israeli Family, and everyone else that I KNOW I’ve Known….Suddenly I saw Bella, who she was – who she is – who she has the potential to become, I saw the same flash with Lola and lastly I saw Mee…I saw all the Mee’s I’ve been and too have the potential to become. Bella understands this, she knows to love deeply and she will know when she is connected and when she is not. I heard what she was saying “Why do we all have to live so far apart?” I ask the same question – “Why can we not live in all moments at once? Then I heard the answer “We do, TIME is inside of us our faith and love is the thread.” In this moment I also saw Kuten-la and his journey, I saw him as a boy, a young man, I saw his mother, his faith. As we untangled and the spiral began to slow I looked into his eyes and knew one thing – FAMILY is what we create not always what we are created from, for me I have both a loving blood family and a karmic world of loved ones.
I spend so many minutes a day thinking of those that I love that are far from me either in death or in air miles. I am someone who does not need to talk to my friends every day, in fact I can go years without contact with someone and when I do speak with them I’m able to pick up the thread, because it has never been severed.
Before meeting my husband I lived in LA, a friend of mine was moving out of his apartment. The apartment was slammin’ and fo’sho I wanted it, but first I had to meet this friend’s grandmother – the landlord for approval. That afternoon I met my friend at his grandmothers house, the door opened and in front of me stood the sweetest-faced little eastern European woman. She saw my face and gasped with recognition, quickly she hugged me and invited me to sit for tea. Her name was Renee, however as she was removing the kettle from the stove and asked me if I’d like a cookie, my response was no thank you “Rebchoo”. She turned swiftly and with a thick accent “How do you call me this?” “It’s your name no?” “Yes, but no one has called me this since I was a teenager and the last person to call me this was my baby sister Clary.”
I went on to explain that I swore that was how she was introduced to me. “NO” she said – for sure no.” What was to be a brief meeting turned into one of the most important friendships of my life. This 80 something year old woman became someone I visited a few times a week – not because I felt a need to check on her but because she was someone I KNEW I knew. Eventually she told me of her life before World War 2 and of her life at Auschwitz. She was the only one of her family to survive the camp, her younger sister Clary could have but when the Nazi’s offered her the choice to go with her mother or stay with Rebchoo, she ran into her mothers arms and the gas chamber. Yelling “Rebchoo I love you.”
Rebchoo said the day I stood on her step she felt as if a ghost of Clary was knocking on her door…she said “you share her in body and spirit.”
Back to the parking lot, we said our goodbyes with agreements – we will visit soon and they will come here and when the girls are big enough we will make the journey to Dharamsala and Isabella can revisit a place of her past. Another agreement is that Kuten – la would continue to visit via my dreams – you see I dream with him constantly – I have agreed to be the window. As we pulled away Bella insisted that we listen to a Tibetan chanting C.D and I drifted off into another world one of long ago and now.
That night my dreams were intense and full of Buddhist stories, more time travel and more unraveling. I understand that Kuten-la is just a monk and that the ORACLE is really an entity that he channels. I see that Bella is just a little girl, and yes she has interesting KNOWING deep inside of her – she is still a child. I now understand why she choose to be a little girl…her comprehension of suffering is deep and now she needs to live a life of expression. Will we run and become Buddhist? No, there is no need – she has done that and she will always have an opportunity to choose it again on her own. Will I treat her “Special?” No, no more than Lola or any other child. Was I given instructions “yes” will I follow them “yes.” They are wise “Protect her, offer structure and discipline, love her, be kind to her.” As a parent we are gifted in watching not only the reincarnation of all of our children as they grow but hopefully our adult selves as well.
Upon my arrival here in Nashville, I felt out of sorts and confused – yearning for all of those people that I miss. I ran to Gil Ben Ami “Happy Son of My People”, he asked “what night was this?” I told him and he said “It is perfect this is the Eve of The Beginning of Human Time.” “What?”
He explained “Kapara, Rosh Hashanah is the celebration of the Human Calendar, the days following the creation of man – time is here only for man, animals do not require it and you were wrapped in the arms of a timeless human.”
