Last night I dreamt that I’d set up camp – a tent and gear, I was finally comfy when a HUGE wave came rolling from behind.  It was really like it is when you’re  standing in the ocean and you can see the large waves forming, I braced myself – I heard a voice tell me “It’s OK you have time to gather your stuff and self, nothing will get ruined.”  I faced the wave with my tent in hand and prepared to get smashed. However when the wave came I held my tent in the air and my head remained dry.  The waves continued to roll in and I too continued to float.

I know that this is said to be emotions or spirit communicating with us, for sure it felt like it.  For the past few days I’ve been jonesin’ for the sea, for Mexico and to return to my life deep inside the veil.  My creative self wants to return to a place that has no feelings of confinement.

Lee and I have been looking at houses here in Nashville, we have probably looked at close to 25 since we arrived.  On Sunday I walked into a place where I could live.  It is Sweet and Elegant, a wonderful combo.  I looked at Lee and said OK this is it.  Then that night I tightened up – COMMITMENT PHOBIC!

I’ve been having dialogue with Nashville all week, sort of like when your dating someone that you realize you really only want to date and not marry? They now know it ’cause the cats out of the bad but neither one of you is done, these relationships can last along time like this – however the underlying understanding that you have seen the deal is on the table.  I’ve been talking to Nashville, saying things like “I like you, your a nice place.  I know I’m supposed to be here, after all you’ve helped me with so very much.  I will always have a place here – The Ranch.  It’s just that I’m not ready to settle down yet.  I hope you understand?”

And just like someone who has found comfort in a relationship, the fear of knowing that I will have yet another move in my future is unsettling.

Mexico has been rocking me through these past couple of days, I find great comfort in speaking her language and listening to her music.  Last night I sat up searching for tickets and trying to figure out when I could squeeze a trip in.  But, the tickets are SKY high right now and the girls have school, I have work commitments and life must go on as planned.

The good news is that we are leaving for Malibu next week, I’m super excited It’s been a year since we were last there and WOW what a year, our last visit I was so very sick and spending 10 days at Cedar Sinai Hospital trying to figure out if I was going to be OK.  In fact that brings me to this weeks realization “I am better.”

I walked into “Happy Son Of My People’s” office with time dinging a bell over my head, it’s been 8 months since my first visit.  On that first visit I was so weak, scared and sad.  I’d really thought that I was going to die and leave my girls and Lee. When you live with so much pain and no solution, food is impossible to eat and you’ve not met one person with a clue – grief is all consuming.  “Happy Son Of My People” looked into my eyes and told me I was going to be OK, he explained that it would be a year of commitment and dedication.  That I would face many fears and revisit many experiences but if I could dig deep enough I would regain my health via my faith.  Virginia Harper told me it would be a year too, that it takes a year for the body to rid it’s self of toxins, then to rebuild upon the food that it is being fed.  I would be shedding layers.

Here I am 8 months in and for certain clearing away so many ideas of myself…and even exploring concepts that seemed way out of reach. When I asked Virginia Harper “When will I start to gain weight and feel better? ” She took my hand and put it in a fist and said “When you are like this your body can’t receive”. Then she opened my hand and spread out my fingers and said “But when you relax and open you can and will.”

Next week I will sit with Rebchoo, she is old now and she lives in a world of long ago – just maybe my present will catch up with her past and we can revisit a time.