Click below to listen to “Changes” by David Bowie”
Whenever I notice the wind, it’s because it’s moving me – literally.
Sitting up there high above the old city of Teotihuacan the wind was whipping me like mad, I should have known that big changes were coming my way. It’s funny how we ask for change, we ask to pass through our centers and clear the tunnel on the other side – what I fail to remember is what this means: what was with me over there can’t stay with me here. Letting go is how it goes, no matter how many times I’ve gone through big life changes I never seem to be ready for the cord cutting process. Immediately following my climb, friendships started shifting and working relationships got creaky. What I didn’t do with the first big bump in the road was walk away, instead I bit back..look I’m not perfect and sweet fo’sho I ain’t. Actually, this is really what’s up for me.
My Princess Know It All self, still doesn’t always know when to let go…I do what most of us do, I cling tight or take offense when it’s time to release a friendship or working relationship. Why is it so hard to just move on and no matter how hard people bite, why do I have to have that irreverent side to me – you know her don’t you? Her name is “HI I’M NOT THE RIB”, she is fo’sho the mouthy side of me, “look out” she says, “I’m coming outta this here corner.” She is the exact opposite of ‘HI I’M JUST SOMETHING TO LOOK AT”, who just grins and says “That’s fine.”
“HI I’M NOT THE RIB” can’t stand “HI I’M JUST SOMETHING TO LOOK AT”, ’cause she blames her for that sideways smile and Bull doodoo way of holding her tongue for the sake of popularity, after all what’s the deal with teaching folks to be indirect? Isn’t this dishonest? I understand kindness fo’sho I don’t believe that kindness and sweetness are the same thing, kindness is genuine an sweetness is just like sugar not good fo’nobody!
Oh, this is my battle and I know where she comes from, Oberlin, my grandmother and great grandmother, my mother, Mrs. Oliver, Mrs. Valentine my teachers growing up. These women all knew that they weren’t the rib, that they didn’t pick that apple from the tree, ’cause there was no ladder in the vicinity, ya’ll know that man was bigger than me…”HI I’M NOT THE RIB” refuses to carry around the burden and the blame for who she be…Now granted she serves great purpose as she is not afraid to stand in the middle of the road to call folks out that have done wrong, she tolerates no social injustice and speaking up is part of her deal…but every once in a while she steps out of line and lets that mouth of hers run when all she needed to do was let things go…snap! Finding the balance between the two of these characters is a tricky thing to do in time of great change…After all standing up for yourself with clarity is tough.
That’s how things started out upon my return, but I’m a fast study and I only need one sting to pop me back into my groove. I’ve completely stepped out of the way and watching change and shift is super interesting!
On a good note, our new house is a thousand times better, we had two nice days of weather this week and the girls and I flew to our lovely sidewalk to roam the new hood. Gosh, who knew that sidewalks could open a world? We even have neighbors with two little girls and my kids think it is the best thing ever, as they spent these warm afternoons playing with actual NEIGHBORS – this is huge folks, ’cause in our old house NO children would enter into our yard – now we know that they knew what happened there. Bella would stand on the edge waving to them to come swing on her grooviest tree swing, she attempted to charm them with her fabulous jungle gym and club house – NOPE, they wouldn’t cross the line.
My dreams have gotten better too in this house, I’m not so on edge, listening for the sounds of my girls, in the old house I would hear a little girl crying – I’d get up 3 times throughout the night and each time my girls would be sound asleep. The other night I had one of the clearest dreams of all time, there was a medicine woman sitting next to a hut like house, she was doing something over the fire in front of her, as I walked by, she reached for my hand, looked into my palm and said “WOW, your going to have a big spiritual journey!” She was so excited and I was so disappointed. “I don’t want a spiritual journey, I want a grand adventure and a good time.” She laughed really loud and said “Silly girl, don’t you know they are not separate and never have been for you.” Ughhh..I walked away…here we go I thought, I just want a spa day and a swimming pool with high thread count sheets to rest on, maybe a nice meal and a massage?