Click below to listen to Wade In The Water by Eva Cassidy

Yesterday I boarded 3 airplanes, passing through 4 airports to arrive in Puerto Vallarta; this was the first time that I have travelled by myself in 7 years.  I felt uneasy kissing my husband and children in the dark early morning hour’s goodbye.  Usually it is Lee who leaves for the airport at 4am, and I who remain to tend to the girls.  As the taxi pulled away, I felt a tinge of guilt and fear – the great what if?

The truth is Lee has never stayed alone with the girls for more than 14 hours and that was only once 3 years ago; of course he keeps them for a few hours here and there.  A week alone -NEVER!

For sure my control issues came flying out of the pantry when I worried what would he feed them?  Who will do their hair in the morning? A flash of Bella with a giant matted knot in the back of her head, threatened my mind; a few nights before I left I dreamt that I returned to a MESSY house.

I’m definitely someone who has daily rituals – I awake at 6am, make coffee, prepare breakfast, make lunches and then I serve breakfast after dressing the girls and doing their hair.  I then move through the house making every ones bed and starting laundry.  I like to leave my house in the way that I want to return to it – clean with no dishes.  This little routine usually begins at 6am and is wrapped up by 8am.  My “Hi I Need To Control Things” was really in a tizzy KNOWING that Lee has NO morning ritual.  The reason he has no ritual is because I do, so heading down to Mexico without the girls and leaving Lee in charge is a gift for them, the girls NEED to KNOW that Lee is capable, I NEED to KNOW that he is capable & well I guess he does too (however if he is reading this he’s saying out loud -of course I’m capable).  I don’t think that our house is any different than most folks, I happen to enjoy my ritual & I’m really a momma inside – I don’t feel parenting has been a sacrifice.

We’d all planned on coming together but the girls have things and Lee does too, I needed to come and empty our storage unit here that’s been housing all of our beach house belongings.  Plus I’m going to work on a project and celebrate my birthday!

I’ve been writing about being inside the Tornado of change and for sure I still am, last week I logged on to face book to discover that a friend of mine had died, what shocked me was how.  My heart is racing as I think whether to write about it, but I’ve got to – I’ve got to take it out…

So you know how I always say you NEVER know who is gonna leave you with influence and inspiration; well this person was again someone who has done just that.  I first met them a year ago, they’d come to my house for dinner; I’d prepared my whole food/ ancestral meal – as I’d really only been following this new way of eating for a short period of time.  What I remember the most about him was the clarity in his eyes, he was so encouraging.  As we ate he shared his story, he’d been incredibly ill 2 years before with severe Colitis and was now almost completely recovered.  I recall looking into his face and KNOWING that time was going to shift and that I would soon be well.  Over the past year I’d run into him and seen him at different gatherings, always we chatted – but most importantly his eyes told me I could do it.  He understood that healing ones body was not just about the food but our mindset that our emotional selves needed tending to as well.  He was young in his early 30’s, super active and surrounded by tons of people that adored him.

My mind ran with thoughts of how this healthy happy guy could leave this life, of course I assumed it was an accident.

Later that day Lee and I were in the bank drive through line and another friend of mine who knew him well phoned, she said are you sitting down?

I’ve been asked this before – when death was waiting to reveal its self.  “Of course”, I responded, “I’m in the car with Lee – did you find out what happened, I just can’t believe he is gone.”

Then the gal on the other end sniffed her tears, I must tell you this – it is a bit complicated.  He had gotten sick, a flare up – this time it was really bad, and he couldn’t get it under control.  He even had a friend move in with him to cook and care for him.  He kept it a secret, scared to share how bad he really felt; finally he drove himself to the hospital.

In the parking lot he shot himself in the head.

I gasped, the air left my chest.

What struck me was my understanding, I know that we break, that our hearts break, that we can feel isolated and alone – I also understand physical pain, just the night before I suffered a very bad tummy ache – for 3 days I was in pain.  The entire time I thought of my friend. Could I get that sick again?  Would I be able to handle feeling like I did a year ago?  My mind raced to how I struggled alone with the girls way too often, unable to get up and tend to them at times.  I remember desperation and fear.

I thought about how our minds can take us down – so far down that coming back is a track that we cannot get our train on.  I had to watch my mind, I had to see that my friends story is not mine, that I was only having a physical dip last week – I had to lay my line again – the line that holds me to how I see myself not just physically but emotionally as well.  What I KNOW is that our bodies eat what our minds feed it, and if I’m feeding it crappy junk, full of doubt I’m certain to crash?

I miss my friend, but I hear him clearly – I feel determined now, determined to deal with myself every time I start to dip, not just physically but emotionally too.  Maybe that is the gift of all of this – to pay attention and step to the plate – not isolate.

I was unsure if coming to Mexico was a good idea, and then I heard the whisper of what guides Mee, “Go Mee sit by the sea, rest where you feel safe.”  I did it; I got it together and landed here – In Senora Gina’s arms.  She is my person; the one that see’s my greatness and understands my dreams.  So far I have spent two days staring at the sea, reading and milling through the boxes of my life that was lived here.  Hearing the psychics voice every time the wind blows (which is often) “You are moving west to where there is Wind and Water.”

I miss Lee and the girls, but I know they are well.  I am learning that for all to be well, I must be rested and fed.  With that said, my sleep is restless and this morning I sat thinking about my dreams, they feel like a spool of thread coming undone.  The project I’m working on this week is writing a book about our life here; filling in the holes in the story.

Sayulita is my neutral place, the place where no blood was shed during the Spanish Inquisition, and the place I found myself fifteen years ago – looking into the mirror for the first time.

So here I am staring into the mirror again, with a view from in between the worlds.