I tossed and turned all night, dreaming non – stop that I’d missed my flight or that I was rushing through the airport. I’m totally aware that if I actually owned a proper alarm clock this wouldn’t be a problem. I think it’s more than just not having an alarm clock, you see I suffer from travel anxiety – yep, even with as much moving around as I’ve done in my life I still get anxious the night leading up to a trip – especially if I’m leaving “those people” behind.
Finally, after the 3rd dream of chaos I got out of bed and on time – 4:30 am had arrived. I quickly dressed, grabbed a snack and moved my over the allotted travel weight suitcase to the front door. I promised Bella that I would wake her to say goodbye. Her eyes flew open with tears pouring down her cheeks, “Momma please don’t go, please stay, please it breaks my heart.” I’m the rock, Lee roams and I only roam alongside of him & with the girls, Bella is scared. In fact yesterday she pulled our neighbor Georgie aside to ask her if she gets hungry can she come over – really she was checking to see if there was a safe “momma” place for her to go. This morning I explained something I wished my momma had told me when I was a little girl, as Bella rested her weepy head on my chest, “There is a cord that runs from my heart to my womb where you were created and out my belly button, through this cord is all the love and connection you need it runs directly to your heart. Nothing can ever break this cord or cut it, ‘cause it’s a soul cord and throughout our life times we are tied. If you need me close your eyes and see the cord – my heart will flow to yours, filling you up with security.”
Last week was a big one Abi graduated from Vanderbilt University, we’ve been working together at PKIA for 2 years, I’ve watched her grow and change. I too have felt as if the past 4 years I’ve been away at school, learning intensely in fact I’ve packed way more info into my brain than I ever did while enrolled at school. Along with learning the info, I’ve actually put my information into action, both personally and via community. Last week I took a deep breath and stepped back, looking at what’s gone down – I moved a new country Mexico, learned to live in a jungle environment, then again moved to a new city and state – Nashville, built two websites PKIA in English & La Princesa Sabe Lo Todo in Spanish, I healed my body with food while simultaneously learning to COOK (yep, ‘cause I couldn’t cook) raised two girls from babies to now 4 & 8 yrs and ran my house, hosted nearly 100 people as over night house guests (41 from just last September alone), traveled a great deal, wrote the first draft of my first book, learned to cook on TV via morning shows, became a regular radio guest, write monthly columns, and created a food movement in North Nashville – the Noble Food Makeover, Oh and I teach and cook private and public classes. I’ve also begun building app’s for the iphone, Droid & Ipad – interactive avatar animation – yep, I’m becoming a cartoon y’all! There is one thing I’ve not done, and it’s a big one….
Life set me up, I looked at my calendar and this week was remotely empty, I just knew what I had to do – go away to finish the book. I’m not good at going away from my girls but what I do KNOW is that my writing and my book will never be a priority for anyone other than me, I’m so close to finishing that if I had just a week – locked in a room NO driving little people, grocery shopping, cooking, teaching, website working I’ll finish. I have so many other projects all around me building that the book keeps getting pushed back. I’ve already missed one deadline and truth be told I can’t miss another – not for any other reason than this is something I’ve got to do. There are plenty of things I have not completed in my life and a slew of people that I thought I was going to become didn’t take life, but now I’m who I wanna be and the last piece of this puzzle is KNOWING that I did my best, that I showed up for me, that I told my tale and finished my book. I feel like once I finish this book I can begin the “NEXT” in my life, it’s been a monkey on my back – waking me in the night, calling my name and distracting me with story boards as I stare out the car window.My flight here to the Jungle was easy and smooth, the first leg of the journey I wrote non-stop, and the second leg I sat with a wonderful women from Venezuela. The magnificence of Latin women is their ability to see the many levels of life, living in a Latin country things are as they seem, there are few false mirrors – the lines of separation are drawn publicly and the comprehension that life is full of changes is part of the grass mats that are slept upon. This is my fourth day here, I’ve been on some wild writing binge. I could feel my invisible people gather around me, the first day I wrote for 12 hours, only stopping to snack on wonderful foods that Senora Gina and Don Lalo have prepared for me. A few weeks back I sent an email, “Can I come home next week?” “Yes, Meme we are your family come now.”
If you are a momma or a wife and a person creating outside of your home you understand how the pace of things can squeeze one. I’ve been away from my family only once by myself in almost 9 years, it is a daily hunt that I do for a glimpse of myself – the individual Mee. Mexico is the place where my heart first opened 16 years ago, a young gal remembering for the first time the person that I truly was.
I have lived in and out of Mexico for these 16 years however we moved here full time almost 4 years ago, my intention was to take an office in the village and write a book. My girls were little Lola still a baby; it is only appropriate that I return to finish what I started.
Last night there was a Concle (KONK-CLAY) in my room, a large spider with the longest and skinniest legs of all. I called Gina, she came to my room and quickly gathered my goods telling me, “Meme you can’t sleep in here, they will come tomorrow and hunt the Coclé, if she stings you loose your motor skills and crawl around on the floor like a spider.” We quickly grabbed my computer and pj’s, I moved into Gina’s room. I drifted off to sleep like a child tucked in safely on a cot next to my momma. Here by the sea is where I am most connected to my momma, as she was cremated and sprinkled into the water, and only appropriate that I would find Senora Gina. “In my dream the Concle appeared as a little girl with long spider legs attached to her back. She was so very sweet and all she wanted was to return to her family. I had no fear of her, I reached to hold her as I do Lola and she removed her spider legs from her back.”
My Aunt Connie has always called me her little spider, as my legs are long and thin, creating a web where ever I go; I’ve never been afraid of spiders – I see the power of their weaving. The flight down I shared with my new friend that I was here to separate a piece of my personal fabric from those of my girls. To find the cotton thread that is just mine. The different mythologies say that the Great Concle is the Spider that creates the web that becomes the dream of the humans. Gina says that only one other time in 30 years has a Concle been seen in this open-air tree house, as they avoiders of people. The next morning the household helpers completely dismantled my room and furniture, they found the Concle hiding in the foundation of my bed.
I know she came for me, to weave the fabric of Mee.
Two more days and then I return home, I awoke early this morning, as the veil of moisture and fog moved out to sea, I sat with this great blanket of air connecting to the information that it holds. I’m wrapping up my story and I’m hoping that it all blends together. Writing a book is like reading a novel, even though I’m the story teller I’m not certain where it will go and who the main character will become until the end.