July 29th, 2009
I wasn’t sure what to expect, 20 years is a long time, and truth be told I’d not acknowledge the fact that 20 years had gone by! Some where in my mind it’s only been about 5 since I’d crossed the threshold of Oberlin High School, never to return…
I flew into the area, picked up my Ford Focus Rental Ride, dropped my kids with my niece and nephew and prepared myself for a meet and greet at the town Inn.
As we rolled into town my mind and heart were flooded with so many memories, every childhood crush, twist and turn flashed before my heart.
Then the big one my house, the house I last lived in before the series of accidents that tore down the walls of who I’d been, leaving only the foundation for me to build upon with my own sought out materials.
As we pulled into the driveway my heart sank and I returned to the last time I’d sat in front of that house.
It’d been about 10 years since leaving high school, Nicole (my older sister) and I had ridden into Oberlin to hang out for the day.
I’d looked up from the street and noticed one single candle burning in my bedroom window.
I said “Nicole, it’s a sign…We’ve got to knock on the door and see if who ever lives here will let us in, just for a minute.”
She agreed, we walked to the back door. As we reached up to knock my knees shook with anxiety. A lady came to the door, peering through the window, I noticed her eyes were red with tears.
My sister began to explain to her who we were, this made the lady sob! She said “I know who you both are, do you know who I am?”
No we answered, come in she said.
As we stepped into the the kitchen I too fell apart, I was home.
I had been out wandering for 10 years searching for a place to belong and for that brief moment I was standing in the exact place my mother had last hugged me.
Now the three of us sat on the kitchen floor, weeping together.
The lady apologized for her tears she said she’d been upstairs having a bit of a sad day herself, then she explained to us who she was. “I was the nurse on duty the night your mom came in, I knew she wasn’t going to make it, I also knew she had the three of you at home. I really tried to help save her.”
I then told her how I’d thought the candle in the window of my old bedroom was a sign for us to knock on the door.
She stared off speaking in just above a whisper ” Your old room was my sons room, he was hit by a car and killed 6 months ago. The candle is to keep his soul from getting lost, guiding him home.”
I looked directly into her eyes, it works…it brought us here.
Then I went upstairs and sat on his bed in our old room…praying and remembering.
Coming back from this memory I heard Nicole ask if I wanted to knock again, no I’m good I said.
As we motored through town my “Hi I’m Good Enough” was trying to take the wheel.
There is something about class reunions that get us all tied up inside, maybe it is our “Hi I’m Good Enough” or should I say “Hi Was I Good Enough Then?”
What ever it is there is a tension within, one that makes you say “do I really want to do this?”
All of that over thinking STOPPED the moment I walked through the doors, looking into the faces of the 60 kids I’d know since 1st grade.
To Be Continued….
Posted in Mee Tracy, Oberlin College, Oberlin High School, PKIA, class reunions, high school reunions, meaghan tracy, past lives, princess know it all, princessknowitall.com, www.princessknowitall.com | No Comments »
July 5th, 2009
Although I’m home from our Florida “Benjamin Button” themed journey, I am still reflecting. Spending time with people who have already finished the greater part of their lives and are now reflecting on who they were and what happened has created a lasting impression in my mind.
I guess a by the time you’re 80 you become wiser- you know you will either survive or not and fighting it just is a waste of the moment.
Sweetness is much more important than confrontation, so what does it matter?
My grandparents and my mother in law and Idora (who is Idora?), are for sure living from a place of sweetness and deciding not to view life with “Hi I Hold On To Things” eyes.
I spent most of my days (in Florida?) sitting at a small table in the kitchen with Idora. Idora was a perfect meal mate; she has to chew 50 times (her teeth are not so good anymore) which led to both chewing and eating in silence.
Every once in a while she would look up and stare out the window, shake her head, giggle to herself and say “I’m Old and I’m Black.”
Soon enough, my daughter, Lola, was walking around the house singing to the music only she could hear in her head: “She’s Old and She’s Black..She’s Old and She’s Black…” Then she’d giggle like Doe… (Who is Doe?- is it Idora?)
What I really wonder is, do we ever really see the person standing in front of us?
Or, do we only see our memories of someone or of a situation that is triggered by that person standing before us?
Let me explain: One of the women that works for my mother-in-law got herself all worked up and in a tizzy. You see, years ago her husband suffered from Cancer. He went on a strict diet and wouldn’t allow her to assist him in any way, and subsequently, he also got very thin. The good news is that whatever ailed him went away and he is now in his 80′s and healthy!
Instead being happy that he was well and alive or being happy watching me take the time to prepare my food and think about the choices I offer my children, my mother-in-law failed to see MEE. Instead she could only see her husband and how he isolated her. She was unable to listen to any of the great conversation I thought we shared because she was all tangled up in her own personal fearful and judgmental memories. She was unable to separate the past from present and passed her past poison onto me…
This happens to everyone all the time; we do it in almost all of our interactions and relationships, especially our male-female relationships.
I just wonder, can we ever really see the person in front of us? hmmmm…
Another example is high school reunions. Mine is coming up soon and I wonder, how many of us will be able to see the people that are actually before us rather than the memory of who they were in high school?
Sure, some folks won’t have changed a bit inside, arrested in their emotional development – but most people have spent the past 10 to 20 years stepping up to the plate and stretching our minds and hearts. This created new people, returning to the old world of high school.
Image is also a very interesting thing; some people never look past the mask that is presented. They form an opinion (opinions are NEVER true- they are always JUDGMENTS) of the mask and then tie it to some memory of another situation so that they can’t even hear whatever “convo” is going on around them… They are set off in another direction by the image, because their relationships are based on their own “IMAGE” that they present to the world – rather than their deeper relationship with life.
The lady who couldn’t hear or see me was so caught up in all of the things she was afraid of that every time she looked at me she could only see fear and hear fear (we twist everything we hear when we hear with fearful ears). She felt so rejected by her husband that this rejection sat inside her, turning to anger and then poison… total bummer dude.
Tags: cancer, Crohn's disease, digestive trouble, healthy living, high school reunions, Idora, Mee, Mee Tracy, PKIA, princess know it all
Posted in Crohn's Disease, Healthy Lifestyles, Lee Mccormick, Mee Tracy, PKIA, healing, health and wellness, health food, high school reunions, macrobiotic, princess know it all | No Comments »
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