Click below to listen to “Dance Anthem of the 80s” by Regina Spektor:

Those winds of change have felt more like tornadoes on a personal level, but what I KNOW, is that they will eventually drop me off along an edge of some cliff, symbolizing all my desires and wants.  It will be up to me to actually leap into the unknown – ’cause those blowing days can only motivate me to move. With that said, once again, I’m feeling like Dorthy, wondering where in the world Toto has gone……

Last week I had a headache for 3 days straight!!

Hard core, Tylenol, ume boshi plum, Motrin can’t make it go away headache…I felt like a tulip pushing through the last layers of remaining winter ground.  In November, Lena and I had a chat – I told her and a few others that this winter was going to be about going deep inside.  My plans were to bury myself in my writing projects, feed the baby (this site) and take care of myself.

I also stated that by April I’d emerge a full blown Tulip, tangible and colorful..with the excitement of a new romance.  I’ve always loved Tulips, more so than any other flower – well Stargazer’s are pretty rocking.  The last few weeks of winter are the most trying of times, as I have outgrown living inside and am tired of the gray, searching for color everywhere, hungry for inspiration.  Much like a Tulip, pushing my way through the tunnel that leads me to the light of Spring.

So now, that I’m finding inspiration in my closet, I’m happy to announce that I have avoided my schleppy gear and I am now rockin’ things I’ve not worn in 2 years!  This has helped me get up and get it together. Another thing that’s helped, is stepping out into the world. It’ strange but the entire time we lived in our previous house, it felt almost impossible to leave it!  It wasn’t just the cold outside that whispered avoidance, but it was as if the walls were telling me there was nowhere to go…I felt trapped.

Since we’ve moved, I’m moving forward and outside. Mary Alice invited Lola, Bella and myself to attend Peter and the Wolf in Spanish at the Nashville Symphony – the narration was in Spanish.  The girls LOVED it and so did I!!!!

First of all, the Symphony here is amazing, as the building itself has been done in an art deco style.  The best part was listening and imagining with our eyes closed, Lola surprised us all by talking about it still today.

Then this past Thursday night Virgina Harper included the girls and myself to attend a dinner and gathering for Kids with Crohn’s support group.  I was totally blown away with the stories of how these kids and their families have rallied and taken control of their lives, by making dietary and emotional lifestyle changes.  The largest growing group of folks diagnosed with digestive disease’s are children between the ages of 4 and 10 years old, this was unheard of 10 years ago.  Why is this happening you ask?  I have a theory, today’s humans are raised on genetically modified foods – GMO’s, what these GMO’s contain a bacteria that ’causes ulcerations through out the digestive tracks of lab rats, when this bacteria enters a young toddlers intestinal system and is the main source of nutrition guess what?  The tissue is so delicate to start the bacteria eats away at it!   Add to the diet ACID – via tons of wheat, sugar and dairy- oh and drop some fat and guess what? The delicate tissue is attacked by the bodies very own immune system, ’cause our body wants to fight the acid in the blood.  Dang, our babies don’t have a shot in the dark, and if we think they are sick now, just wait…
Next time you hear someone ramble on about how their kids only eat pasta, pizza and mac & cheese or chicken nuggets, say a prayer.

With all this said, I was inspired, inspired to really continue to step it up with my kids and their food – more veggies, less wheat, NO dairy – well occasional, and fight the sugar. Listen, the sugar is tough as NAILS ’cause who doesn’t want to allow a cookie here and there?  Also I KNOW that Bella needs to get in the kitchen with me and participate in this food process, that’s what these kids are doing.  Most kids back in the day helped cook when cooking was cooking.  We’ve got to arm our kids with skills, I see them as being warriors going into the world.  They will KNOW how to heal with food, they will KNOW what food is good for, they will KNOW how to prepare food for themselves and others.  It’s funny this is said to be an alternative way of eating but in truth it’s an ANCESTRAL (thanx Carolyn Ross,MD) way of eating – this is ORIGINAL eating.  My girls will KNOW what I KNOW, my health and well-being is a priority to NO one other than me, with this said – listen up ’cause we are all in the same position.

Saturday morning was a ton of fun too, Lena and I headed over to Lauren Williams groovy casa to put together our new Beauty Section!! I must say I LOVE my job, I love doing what I’m doing, I was reminded of what it means to be successful – happy to get up every morning with something to look forward too! This is success!

Sunday was again another really good day, my friend Marielle invited me to Cheekwood art museum to attend a private lesson and showing of Matilda Geddings Gray Foundation Collection, of Fabergé.

Once again, I was out hunting inspiration and wondering just how it would appear, I was thrilled to attend this event.  I listened to the curator tell the tails of this Geddings Gray woman as I gazed into the glass cases…what I witnessed was time, I loved looking into a window of time, a time of Czars and Princess’s and great collectors.  What I found fascinating were the amethyst and diamond Tulips, of course they would be there symbolizing my process, a dim light shining down upon them.  In another case not far away were Fabrege’s “Lilly of the Valley”, and of course my mothers image swept passed my eyes..never is she far from my dreams and desires.  The curator asked if any one had questions about the symbolics of such plants, and of course I wanted to know the story of the Tulip.

Legend tells of Ferhad, a Persian youth, who fell in love with a young woman. Her name was Shirin and she did not feel the same about him as he did about her. Because of this Ferhad traveled into the desert to die, from a “broken heart.” As he began to feel heartache, he started to cry. His tears are said to have turned into beautiful tulips.

Maybe with all the change entering my life, my tears are the grief for what I release and for sure they are not wasted, appearing as tulips on my table?

I will keep pushing through the soil of what I want to manifest, not losing sight of what I already have.

Click below to listen to “Changes” by David Bowie”

Whenever I notice the wind, it’s because it’s moving me – literally.

Sitting up there high above the old city of Teotihuacan the wind was whipping me like mad, I should have known that big changes were coming my way.  It’s funny how we ask for change, we ask to pass through our centers and clear the tunnel on the other side – what I fail to remember is what this means: what was with me over there can’t stay with me here.  Letting go is how it goes, no matter how many times I’ve gone through big  life changes I never seem to be ready for the cord cutting process.  Immediately following my climb, friendships started shifting and working relationships got creaky.  What I didn’t do with the first big bump in the road was walk away, instead I bit back..look I’m not perfect and sweet fo’sho I ain’t.  Actually, this is really what’s up for me.

My Princess Know It All self, still doesn’t always know when to let go…I do what most of us do, I cling tight or take offense when it’s time to release a friendship or working relationship.  Why is it so hard to just move on and no matter how hard people bite, why do I have to have that irreverent side to me – you know her don’t you? Her name is “HI I’M NOT THE RIB”, she is fo’sho the mouthy side of me, “look out” she says, “I’m coming outta this here corner.” She is the exact opposite of ‘HI I’M JUST SOMETHING TO LOOK AT”, who just grins and says “That’s fine.”

“HI I’M NOT THE RIB” can’t stand “HI I’M JUST SOMETHING TO LOOK AT”,  ’cause she blames her for that sideways smile and Bull doodoo way of holding her tongue for the sake of popularity, after all what’s the deal with teaching folks to be indirect?  Isn’t this dishonest? I understand kindness fo’sho I don’t believe that kindness and sweetness are the same thing, kindness is genuine an sweetness is just like sugar not good fo’nobody!

Oh, this is my battle and I know where she comes from, Oberlin, my grandmother and great grandmother, my mother, Mrs. Oliver, Mrs. Valentine my teachers growing up.  These women all knew that they weren’t the rib, that they didn’t pick that apple from the tree, ’cause there was no ladder in the vicinity, ya’ll know that man was bigger than me…”HI I’M NOT THE RIB” refuses to carry around the burden and the blame for who she be…Now granted she serves great purpose as she is not afraid to stand in the middle of the road to call folks out that have done wrong, she tolerates no social injustice and speaking up is part of her deal…but every once in a while she steps out of line and lets that mouth of hers run when all she needed to do was let things go…snap!  Finding the balance between the two of these characters is a tricky thing to do in time of great change…After all standing up for yourself with clarity is tough.

That’s how things started out upon my return, but I’m a fast study and I only need one sting to pop me back into my groove. I’ve completely stepped out of the way and watching change and shift is super interesting!

On a good note, our new house is a thousand times better, we had two nice days of weather this week and the girls and I flew to our lovely sidewalk to roam the new hood. Gosh, who knew that sidewalks could open a world?  We even have neighbors with two little girls and my kids think it is the best thing ever, as they spent these warm afternoons playing with actual NEIGHBORS – this is huge folks, ’cause in our old house NO children would enter into our yard – now we know that they knew what happened there.  Bella would stand on the edge waving to them to come swing on her grooviest tree swing, she attempted to charm them with her fabulous jungle gym and club house – NOPE, they wouldn’t cross the line.

My dreams have gotten better too in this house, I’m not so on edge, listening for the sounds of my girls, in the old house I would hear a little girl crying – I’d get up 3 times throughout the night and each time my girls would be sound asleep.  The other night I had one of the clearest dreams of all time, there was a medicine woman sitting next to a hut like house, she was doing something over the fire in front of her, as I walked by, she reached for my hand, looked into my palm and said “WOW, your going to have a big spiritual journey!”  She was so excited and I was so disappointed. “I don’t want a spiritual journey, I want a grand adventure and a good time.” She laughed really loud and said “Silly girl, don’t you know they are not separate and never have been for you.” Ughhh..I walked away…here we go I thought, I just want a spa day and a swimming pool with high thread count sheets to rest on, maybe a nice meal and a massage?

Listen to El Mariachi Loco by Mariachi de la Ciudad de México de Pepe Villela

A few days before leaving for Mexico, I started to feel apprehensive about the journey, perhaps because I know what it means to travel with two small children. Also, Teotihuacan is not an actual vacation, it’s more like a place to wake up from, and we all know what it can feel like being woken from a deep sleep….

Sometimes life in the U.S. is like a big dream, everything is easy and all one knows is inside their bubble.  Teotihuacan bursts that bubble, pulling on our authentic places that are screaming to dance. Mariachi music serves as a great alarm clock, after a day of grounding on the moon an evening of getting down was necessary.  Alberto, my husband’s partner here in the Dreaming House, arranged a fantastic 40^th birthday party for one of the women on the journey – Mexico could not let this moment pass without a fiesta.

I stayed up way too late chatting with some of my favorite people. Mary Alice made the journey, as well as a group of our friends who live on the Island of Bermuda, including Sarah White or, as I refer to her, “Lady Gaga”.  This woman is so real and fantastic that I must contain myself and refrain from sitting at her feet. “What makes her rock?” you ask. She has led a twisty, curvy, funny life full of failures and successes and at almost 70 years old, she still rises to the funny and climbs the Pyramids. I also might add that she is still a stunning woman.  My mother told me long ago to align myself with women that could lead by example and Sarah White is one of these women.  I think the ideas of perfecting our lives have changed. In truth, the only perfect women I see are those that are heavily flawed but full of beautiful cracks, so, isn’t this all of us?

After a late night full of female giggles, Monday morning came quickly.  I thought I would stay home and rest until the great knowing whisper brushed my ear and I heard: “Go with them today, again.”  I don’t usually join the journeys with the groups that come, for many reasons but mainly the responsibility of my children and my home. Add on the fact that I’ve been around this kind of work since my early twenties and I’ve learned that the journey resides inside of me and it seldom matters whether I am in Teotihuacan or Nashville.  That being said, Teotihuacan is a powerful place that lends a spanking now and again….

I threw on some clothes and met the group at the Palace of the Jaguars, or Masters, as they were known to be called.  Isabella was there with Lee and I thought I was going to connect with her. As we passed each sacred room we bowed and thanked the Masters. I had explained to Bella that they were like high Llamas and she asked that we speak to them in Hebrew, according to Bella this is the language that Jesus understood.  I guess Bella totally gets that it’s all one and the same – connected.

Once The Masters completed their spiritual paths they moved here to this areaa of Teo to be close to the portals.  The believed that by meditating through a great portal or doorway one could  get to the other side, a “hole or tunnel”.  The other side could have been literally or in my case the other side of my current fears.  With ease and grace, I found myself standing before this portal, dreaming into it, imagining life on the other side, imaging my life on the other side.  Then, as I was leaving, I remembered the hole and the tunnel. I was doing it. I was walking through my core – my core of illness, my own internal human center of my own personal earth, and I had found a way out of that house – an escape from the dark places I had been.

I had a conversation with someone before I left Nashville; I was feeling up tight about leaving and worried about how my body would travel, since Teotihuacan is not a comfy spa resort. It’s a cool and groovy city but the elevation is close to 7,000 feet and normally super, duper dry!  I happen to be a mango, moist and warm water kinda gal, give me humidity and I rock.  Back to the convo with this person: as we spoke she told me not to worry and that I am possibly getting to my core, truly moving through the center of my physical healing. Of course, in Princess Know It All fashion I argued and attempted to close my ears.  Then I called her back, I’d heard her and she was right, I thanked her.  On the way down here I started thinking about being in the core of every aspect of my self and my life, standing in my center and then moving forward.

Joan Borysenko, PhD and cellular biologist was on this trip with Lee and I wanted to connect with her, she is one of my contributing editors and a friend.  Joan KNOWS how diseased cells grow and change according to the emotional perception of the person. I’ve listened to her speak many times before I was sick myself and now her wisdom soars home and rings a bell.  Our first conversation here was more like a statement, when she asked me how I was I responded with tears: “I know I am better but my mind tells me I am still sick. My body IS stronger, but my mind wants to identify illness.” She hugged me and said, “This is the last piece, master it.”

So there I was feeling the thrill of passing through the tunnel when Lee said I have to climb the Pyramid of the Sun. I giggled and said, “No, I’m not down with that.”  Then Bella, my brave little warrior, said, “Come on Momma, you can do it.”  Of course, one of my main goals in parenting is to raise brave, courageous women who believe in themselves.  Not climbing to the top was not an option and this pyramid is tall too!  I’ve climbed it a ton of times and I only had a full on meltdown once, the first time I’d ever climbed it 13 years ago. Like everyone else that arrives at Teo climbing the Pyramid of the Sun ignites the child in us that wants to climb trees & castles.  I saw this giant pyramid as an adult jungle gym, I couldn’t wait for the final day to climb it!

Life sure is funny because half way up, I realized I was afraid of heights; I made it to the top but only by clawing and scratching my way there!  Afterwards, I dug deep to understand this fear and I found that it was a pile of fears that had sat in the back of my inner closet, overflowing the laundry basket!

Over the years I’ve worked to release them and in truth I have moved through more than I thought possible, like I said, since then I’ve climbed that Pyramid many times!  I did not know why I felt so uneasy once again, especially since I’d just seen myself moving forward in the Place of the Masters?

By the second level of steep stairs, I had to sit and try not to look down.  I found myself sweating and uneasy. Lee tried to keep me going but I froze.  After closing my eyes and hearing Bella’s call I grabbed the rope that one uses to make their way to the top and continued climbing. I heard the voice again, “Use the rocks as mirrors and allow them to reflect what is keeping you back.”  As I held one hand on the Pyramid stones and the other on the rope, my eyes began to fill with tears.  I saw myself, lonely, isolated, afraid, pained emotionally and physically. I witnessed my fear and doubt.  I made it to the top of the Sun with only ten feet to go. Instead of continuing, I sat by the wall, closed my eyes and lent some much needed compassion to Mee Tracy.  Lee called me to come even higher but I said that I wanted to sit alone, with just Mee.  Earlier that morning “Lady Gaga” came to share a hint that she’d received earlier that morning: “Hey Kid (in her hip cool lingo), I gotta piece for you. You be sure that you don’t ever go against your self, not in work, friendship or family.  You trust you and you’re going to go all the way.” So there I sat, knowing that I didn’t need to climb to the top because my view was good enough, I was high enough to see Mee.

For someone like me who usually pushes until I collapse, this was an accomplishment. Just like the mouse in my dream, I, too, found the hole guiding me through the dark tunnel that I have spent the last year wandering around in. The light at the end of that tunnel was the Sun.

The Toltecs believed that one can pass through portals into other dimensions and that ascension is possible. I don’t know if they really flew into the stars but I do KNOW that we ascend and move through our centers, becoming more of us and less of fear.

Below is a picture of the Pyramid of the Sun, if you look at it you will see that there is a body with legs & arms, a head all ascending, so that’s why we all go to Teo – to move one more step closer to ourselves.

Thanks Michelle Larson for this photo & the others.

What a trip getting here, we left our house at 4:30 am and arrived in Mexico City around 2:30 pm.

Our house in Teotihuacan is about 35 miles from the city and usually takes about an hour in traffic to arrive.  Thursday was a different story, Mexico City was hit by one of the worst rain storms in a super long time, leaving the city drenched in flood waters, specifically the area surrounding the airport. People were standing on top of their cars as our van/bus crept along the side streets, I must tell you that water was seriously dirty – WOW and the smell was through the roof!  I’m talking used maxi-pad left locked up in a car on hot August day…Uhnnnn.

Senora Gina was waiting for me as I came out of customs, she had taken the bus to Guadalajara and then flown into Mexico City earlier that morning.  I cannot express to you all what I felt as she embraced me – home.  If you’ve not followed this blog for long you won’t know who she is to me and the girls so I will give you a recap: Senora Gina is one of the most noble women I have ever met, she lives in Sayulita and now I KNOW she was truly one of the main reasons I moved there, to find her.

She is my friend, my family, my sister and my partner, I adore her and miss her more than I can express. I have not seen her since last June and the past eight months have been wild and twisty. I’m not certain if you all have relationships like this, but if you do, then you’ll understand the unconditional love and respect that ties us together, this tie or line that we hold for each other lends for great humor to be swapped between us!  The long bus ride through the floods flew by, as we sat and giggled like school girls – so thrilled to play once again.

The first night in our casa, known as the Dreaming House (we have a small two bedroom house that shares the land of our small boutique hotel and restaurant, all is wrapped within very tall walls forming a compound).  This compound rests upon ancient ruins and sits along the original Avenue Of The Dead, leading me to always have intense dreams here, from the moment I rest my eyes the dreaming begins and the download is on.

My first night of sleep I found myself in our old house (the one we just left) there was a small mouse running around and if you know me, I’m totally creeped out by mice – they seriously bug me.  I watched the mouse run back and forth, searching for the “hole” finally I said: “OK I’m getting off of this bed and catching that little guy and removing him from this house. “As I reached down for him, he turned into a white dog. This dog growled at me and I backed away…I woke up.

Friday I spent the day organizing my house and setting up my kitchen, I brought tons of food to cook so all I needed to do was buy veggies.  Senora Gina and I hit the market place and packed the cart with serious greens, that night my dreams returned, I was inside the old house, it was snowing inside of the house and there was a hole – this time the hole was in the center of the bed. The hole had a tunnel connected to it, when I peeked into the tunnel I saw another world, one that exists through the veil – or the other side.  There were many people busy trying to get through the tunnel, they didn’t seem to notice me, the world they lived in was swirling, chaotic and cold, I knew I had to burn the hole so that they no longer could pass through. Just as I realized my responsibility…I woke up.

Saturday the sun was shining and the word was Mexico City had dried out, Adriana-  a friend of Senora Gina’s had arrived late the night before from Mexico City.   Senora Gina had been telling me for months that I needed to meet with her – that she would be a good friend for me, a match in business, spirit, identity and bravery.  Senora Gina was really excited to return to San Angel and revisit her childhood home (which is now a store Toca Madera) and stroll the artist bazar.

For the record, I announced- “I think it will be a bad idea traffic wise”- but I wanted to get to know Adriana and I couldn’t bare to be apart from Senora Gina (as our time together is so valuable to me).  We made it to San Angel no problem and enjoyed a WONDERFUL lunch, then a walk through the many painters that appear every Saturday to peddle their fantastic paintings.  This is where Senora Gina purchased the most wonderful painting of three women and the three suitors that pursued them.  We all agreed that it was us and the women we have been and the women we have become, I love the fact that the painter sees his wife in every woman he paints and I too see myself in every woman that exists.

Knowing that we needed to return to the Dreaming House before dark, we left the city at 3pm only to sit in traffic for 5 hours! Can you imagine 35 miles in 5 hours? I must tell you all, it was the best 5 hours, I truly enjoyed every minute of it – OK well not the “I gotta pee really bad and the only option is a nasty Mexico City gas station bathroom that had been trampled by the other 3 million stranded motorists!”.

The best news is that I’ve made a new friend, Adriana. She is all that Senora Gina said she would be, successful and ego-less, brave and funny!

Last night I dreamed again of the old house, this time I was looking for the hole, I was trying to leave…this morning we headed to the Pyramid of the Moon – Senora Gina and I.  We climbed the many steps, I felt like I shot up to the top within seconds.  As we sat high above the old city I heard the voice of wisdom that lives within me – “This is your aerial point of view, this is where you must live from, above the reactive nature of humanness.  See the entire Avenue that you are walking.”  I can dig this, ’cause sometimes I get so caught up in the exact moment that I fail to see the opportunities that sprawl before me.

We joined Lee and the group that he is leading this week through the ruins, I was surprised to see the white dog from my dream. She was so sweet and had been following the group around. Some say that dogs are spirit power animals – meaning not really animals at all.

Lee finished with his group and led Adriana, Senora Gina and myself to “The Place of the Elders.”  I have had a hard time with grounding myself for over the past year, you see the house that we had lived in was 3 stories, once I found out what happened in the basement of the house I began to live only in the top two floors.  Every time I would try to ground myself I’d begin the process of finding my mental way to the earth but that would mean going through the basement….I could NOT do this.  In an even less metaphysical way, I found myself hiding in my bedroom!

Today as I walked into the place of the Elders, I knew what I needed to do.  Adriana, Senora Gina and all went to the center alter and lay down on our tummy’s, closing our eyes and imagining that a cord was coming from our womb’s, digging deep through the earth, passing through all that she is.  Once our cords were connected the dreaming began…There were woman swaying pepper tree  branches all over, cleaning our bodies and whispering into our ears.  As my mind would ask questions the answers would come and I fell deeper into the stone alter, drifting away swaddled by the warm sun.

Tonight we are preparing for a full on fiesta, Mariachis and all…tomorrow will bring yet another discovery but only after a clear night of dreaming.

I have moved 8 times in 8 years.

Le’ mee give you the breakdown: When I met Lee, I lived in a SWEET apartment in an old Hollywood style pad while Lee lived on the ranch here in Nashville. However, I knew I couldn’t give up my spot in LA, ’cause fo’ real Nashville felt like the end of the road. So, Lee and I hooked my pad up so that it worked for both of us and the “back and forth” began. I flew at least 21 times during the course of my first pregnancy!

After a year in that apartment, Lee started a business in Malibu. We packed up the apartment, headed up the California coast and settled into a really groovy Malibu Canyon Casa I named the “Shack”. But let mee tell you, we macked this Shack up! I called in Beverly Hills contractors and turned the bungalow-built out trailor-esque construction into a spot to remember. The real deal was the land surrounding the “Shack”: 40 acres of mountains and beach. Once the “Shack” was rocking, we moved outside and turned an old terraced garden into a veggie wonderland. Within weeks, we added a chicken coop and a few donkeys. The icing on this surf-shack lifestyle was the geodesic dome where I learned to paint, dream and keep the keyboard tapping. I rolled a Honda Element and spent most of my days with Bella, watching Lee surf at “First Point.”

Once again, a move was in the works and the Witness (if you haven’t been following the blog, the Witness is my dear friend who has always shown up to witness my growth) helped me load the “Shack’s” belongings onto yet another moving truck. Just as she guided me from our Hollywood apartment, she showed up to help me again, because Lee was out of town both times. The Next move was even higher up- up the mountain that is.

Once Lee’s part of the business was sold, up on a mountaintop is where we went. We went so high up that in the morning the clouds would settle around us like a sea, leaving us on our own private island. Of course, this house had its tricks. It was OFF the grid; it literally had NO electricity and solely ran on solar panels and a propane generator. We had our own well from which our water flowed but without ease, especially in the summer. This was a bit of a problem because by this time I’d added Matilda, an angry goat with great horns, 4 condom-less rabbits who soon grew to 40, and 2 teepees large enough to house a small family. A small family also lived on our land, Leno and Yadi, a great couple who helped us run this mountain top ranch. Stoking the wood-burning stove during cold winter mountain nights was tough and rainy, cloudy days meant that power was to be cherished. Hot days weren’t much better. The propane generator wasn’t very reliable so it was tricky to keep ice cream from melting.  Using air conditioning was just plain wasteful when one is counting every ounce of electricity.

However, the real kicker might have been the sound of rattlesnakes. On warm days I could lay in bed and listen to them rattle. In fact, when I got super spooked, I called “Boe, The Snake Man.” He came to the “Shack” to give me snake protection tips and, after hearing so much rattling, I knew it was time for him to come back. I wasn’t prepared for the fear in his eyes upon arrival. When I asked him if everything was cool, he said, “No maam, I’m nervous. The last time I was up here, I climbed under the house and found a packed den with momma and about 20 babies!

This house is the worst one in all of Malibu!” “Of course it is,” I said.

One night, I came home late with Bella. As I took her out of her car seat, I heard a loud shaking sound so close to my ear that I knew I was about to step on it. I threw her back in the seat and fled down the mountain, always finding safety at Ted and Peggy’s. But all these snakes and powerless days weren’t the deal breaker- it was the fires.

Our house was 30 minutes up the mountain- the hub of Malibu was at least a half hour away. Lee was out of town and forest fires were around the bend. I was pregnant with Lola and had to find some way to get my small zoo safe. We survived and my sister came to my rescue. First, the Witness rolled in, always prepping my every move. Then, my sister brought her own personal organizing army. We moved down the hill and as close to Santa Monica as the Malibu limit goes… Oh, and Lee was in Peru for this move.

Around the same time, Lee and I moved out of our house at the ranch and converted it into an Eating Disorder Treatment Center. The house almost seemed built for it- it had a huge dining room and restaurant-style kitchen. We decided this was the best way to use the space, since we were staying in Malibu most of the time and usually left the large and lovely home empty. The best solution was to down size and take up part-time residency in a 3 bedroom double-wide that I had pimped out.

We figured we would use this little house the few times we came back each year until we decided where to build our new ranch house. Once again, Lee was out of town and I was left to oversee the move. None of the cowboys could figure out why I was so happy to move into a trailer after living in one of the nicest houses in the county? I was actually thrilled ’cause this tiny trailer was our first home on the ranch that didn’t have Lee’s history attached to it.

So, I was responsible for overseeing the deal ’cause Lee was out of town… Are you seeing a pattern here?

A couple years later, Lee entered into a deal in Sausalito, California (San Francisco area) and we set up a home in a fabulous apartment overlooking the bay. I was torn with San Fran ’cause I loved my life in Malibu. I didn’t want to choose, and to be honest I didn’t really give the Sausalito pad a fair shot. However, I did enjoy the ferry rides across the bay, combing the wharf and the farmers market for goodies.

Lee’s part in the Sausalito project ended and once again, we packed up and loaded up. Our house in Malibu was still intact, but we decided we needed to make a change. We wanted an adventure, so all of a sudden, Mexico jumped into the picture. I packed and loaded a storage unit and said goodbye to Malibu. This time, Lee was in town!!!

We moved (Lee was here fully participating) this past week and wow what a quick and fast event that was. Unloading a giant house and putting every single item in it’s new spot all got done in less than 48 hours! Now I’m here in my new house, a house that sits in a neighborhood here in Nashville that actually has sidewalks! I’m reflecting and seeing clearly what’s gone down, I’m also owning my own part in the deal. When we left the Jungle last year, I could barely see in front of myself. I was so wrapped up in the fear of my illness and thoughts of my own mortality that now I understand why we ended up there. We are drawn to both places and people alike that reflect who we are internally.
Last year, I was living in an internal dark place as a victim of sadness and fear. I wrote about the whispering walls of the house and then I left you all hanging and I’m sorry for this. I’ve been trying to process everything and find a way to share it in a positive light. I knew I needed to leave the house before I could discuss it any further. Finding out the history of the space we lived in confirmed my nightmares prompting a quick move and change of scenery…

I’m going to Mexico on Thursday and for sure I will sit and write. Stay tuned, as Mexico opens my heart and my fingers are guided by her wisdom I shall unravel in her arms. I’m going home………

Yesterday was the big day, the get down & dirty…literally.

I spent the day filling boxes, thank goodness Jane Ellen (one of the cowgirls from our ranch, well I guess technically she is a “goat girl” as she tends to our hundreds of goat that we raise).  She gets down when she packs, seriously she has rhythm for it!  I didn’t know she was coming, I thought Rusty our ranch foreman was making the box drop.  Last year when we arrived I had the sense to save all the boxes, knowing that we weren’t going to stay too long in one spot. The cowboys loaded a pickup truck and took the boxes back to the ranch.  Where they stored them was unknown to me, that was until this weekend when Lee opened a stall and revealed the hot mess of card board awaiting attention!  That’s right folks, our boxes were sitting in hay and smelling pretty!

Of course Lee thought it not a problem, in his rough cowboy talk “Don’t be a Princess, we’ll dust ‘em off and they’ll be fine.”  I crinkled my nose and thought Oh, mang (Tony Montana inflection) : “Well I’ll be sure to put your stuff in ‘em.”

The good news was that when Jane Ellen showed up with ‘em they were really cleaned up, minus the few worms, what kind I have NO clue, only Alma mumbled something in Spanish regarding the possibility of them falling into my coffee and killing me.

Once again Jane Ellen came to my rescue, bending over and scooping them up with her fingers, I shrieked like a chicken, Jane Ellen just calmly kept to the task and in her warm Tennessee accent said “If that’s the worst thing I pick up today I’m siked.” Then my mind flashed to watching one of the cowboys stuff the “Bulls Meat Wallet” back into a momma cow who had just bore a new calf, I think it scared me as I was pregnant with my first baby and the fear of what would happen if I went into labor way out there on the ranch!

Anyways, back to the move, Brooke (a gal pal and friend of Lee’s) wasn’t really into the remnants of mice poo either, but we made it through the trauma, I’m thinking it might-could do me good to spend the day with Jane Ellen out on the ranch, buckin’ up and gettin’ tougher with the outdoor world….Hmmmm?

I know that moving is traumatic as I have done it so many times since I met Lee, we’ve set up more house’s than I grew up in.  We lived like gypsies for years, splitting our time between 4 different places all at the same time.  I decided it was better for us to travel and stay together than apart when the girls were babies, plus it was way easier having a home than a hotel room.

Yesterday I was smacked by time, what the last year has been about and who I was just a year ago upon moving into this big ‘ole house.. The emotion that came as I cleared each room was huge.

A year ago I thought I was going to die – seriously – die, I thought there was no turning back.  When I arrived in Nashville I had been told I had a 50 percent chance of intestinal cancer.  A year later I’m leaving this house – knowing that I’m going to live.