I was in Pastor Fuzz’s (from the Noble Food Makeover) church listening to him preach, you see he is a preacher who starts off talking and then before you know he is singing – just as he began to sing a woman ran down the aisle and turned the corner of the pew I was sitting in. She was wearing a beautiful yellow nightgown, I recognized it as I had not seen it since I was 4 years old. I looked into her face and she was beautiful – my momma. Her face was clear and young she was who she’d been when she was 25 – hair shiny and full. Without speaking she climbed onto my lap much in the same way that my two little girls do, straddling me. I opened my arms to receive her – and then I felt her heart meld right into mine. There were no words, I looked around to see if anyone else could see her and then she disappeared.
Wide-awake, I opened my eyes the room was still and my breathing was fast. It has been 20 years since my mother has hugged me this way. I’ve seen her before in my dreams always I ask her a million questions where have you been? How are you? What happened? This time I said nothing and allowed her to love me.
I am constantly seeing how much of a Know It All I have been, I spent years working on myself and for a period of time I thought I’d dealt with it all, but the gift of life and loss is that there are many layers to move through and just when one has grown and healed another opportunity appears. It has taken years for me to receive, seriously receive on so many different levels. I now understand that my momma and I can actually have an even closer relationship now that she is on the other side. Our relationship is heart based, not words and personality. I can now connect to her in the same way I connect to my girls – I can FEEL them, when they need me, when they are hungry & scared. Finally I am able to feel her too as it took learning to live from my heart to do so.
I’m also sure to hug my girls with my whole heart, melding it into theirs.
Xmas was fantastic this year, my sister & nephew came to town and with them traveled yet another door way for my mother to enter through.
I’d bought Lee a record player – not to be confused with a turn table, but an old school all in one, not so hot speakers included record player. When I was a kid the record player was the focal point of our living room. My momma loved to listen to her albums and her music became our music. I thought it would be a great gift if Nicole (my sister) brought our old albums for Lee as part of his gift.
The first album to hit the turntable was the sound track from the film “A Star Is Born” Barbra Streisand & Chris Christopherson. Suddenly I was a tiny little person and my mother was in the room wearing that bright yellow nightgown and dancing around.
Soon after Xmas we loaded ourselves onto an airplane and landed at LAX in Los Angeles. I felt as if I were wearing a Berka, wrapped so heavily in my dark colored winter layers and surrounded by high heeled hoochies. We’d rented a fabulous penthouse condo just off of the beach and filled it with Nanny & Bubba. The last time I was in LA it felt crazy and fast; I was overwhelmed.
This time couldn’t have been more different, we all relaxed!!
I didn’t over book myself and instead opened the door and invited everyone to come and visit – and they did. Once again I was amazed by my relationships and how they have held the hand of time. I had lunch with my friend Paola whom I have not seen since we were really girls, sitting across from her was fantastic seeing the Mee that I had been and glimpsing the Mee of now. It was amazing to witness our paths and how on the outside they seem different but the two of us have been walking the same walk inside – searching for our Original Selves.
Our last day was spent with my BFF Gab and her family, I watched her little girl & again was gripped by time – and saw how sweet it is to hold a line.
Happy New Year Y’all.